Growing old is a gift.
Wetting yourself when you sneeze, not so much. 🤧🙄
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I asked my 5 yr old if she wanted to help me make a cake and she said that she doesn’t make cakes. She eats them.
Her face will be on currency one day.
When I was a kid I used to yell at my grandma for drinking and driving and she was like “it’s Diet Coke” and I was like “but the tv said!” So what I’m saying is, kids really don’t know shit
I don’t care if they repeal student loan forgiveness. I’ve forgiven myself. I’m not paying them
I hate being woken up so if you find me sleeping, let me rest. If you can’t follow that simple rule, next time just hire another pilot.
My husband threw away a perfectly good box as if we might not need it in 20 years.
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Tyrannosaurus Clark Kent, unable to do shit because he can’t remove his glasses
I attempted smoky eye makeup for a holiday party tonight, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight, so I’m going with that story.
Whenever I think of you, I am grateful for the many, many miles between us.
M: Wanna try tantrum sex?
W: You mean “tantric”?
M: *stomps feet* Fine! We’ll do it your way!
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
3yo: I want to help!
Me: You can help by being quiet.
3yo:
Me:
3yo: I want to help in a different way!!!
I’m sorry I punched you in the face when you said “I love you”. Intimacy scares me. And you said it to my sister.
Seeing men with their noses sticking out over their masks makes me hope I never see how they wear swim trunks.
I wish the girls who rejected me in high school could see how many Pokémon I’ve caught.
My wife yelled, “This is the LAST TIME I’m going to tell you to take out the trash”, and I thought, thank goodness THAT is finally over.
9: if a cigar is just made from a plant then why can’t kids have them?
me: I’m just trying to drink my morning coffee man.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
Meet me at the paint pan so our rollers can rub together.
You breed dogs? Don’t they do that on their own?
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Living with my 6-year-old is like living with a firing squad, only it’s questions instead of bullets.
Never mistake my silence for weakness. No one plans a murder out loud.
[traffic stop]
Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?
Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.
Fat chances are my favorite chances
Officer: You were speeding.
Me: I am trying to keep up with traffic.
O: There Is no traffic.
M: I am really far behind.
Me: How was school?
9-year-old: We practiced emergency bus evacuations.
Me: Was it fun?
9: No. They stopped the bus first.
looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
JOB INTERVIEWER: So what are your biggest weaknesses?
HE-MAN: Well, I-
*job interviewer’s fake mustache falls off and it’s Skeletor*