me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
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I’m thankful for my Twitter family. Without you people, I’d still just be talking to myself
People like to say “nice beard” to me but then start backing away while I go through my washing/conditioning/oiling/brushing regimen with increasing volume and fervor
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Shoutout to the mosquito who drank all my blood but managed to remain so thin.
The packing insert from our robot vacuum looks like it should be guarding a temple somewhere.
“Chickfila catering?”
“Yes, sir. How big is your party?”
“Party?”
Impervious: being an admitted pervert
Why do people always talk in absolutes? I would never do that. It’s the worst.
(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
It’s my patriotic duty to eat bbq and wave sparklers this weekend. Don’t wreck it with words like “calorie count” and “hair on fire”.
Getting to know someone is a lot like making toast; don’t do it in the bathtub.
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Cleaning kitchen knives
Thought of you
*signs into Skype meeting with very important clients*
*tries to sound incredibly intelligent*
*gets attacked by moth*
*falls off chair*
I’m fairly certain that watching paint dry & waiting for a pot to boil take less time than anything a 3yo insists they will do without help.
“911? Help, my son has gone missing”
[baby lowers hands from eyes]
“Holy crap he just appeared out of nowhere”
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Take a selfie with me one last time
-the sign on my casket
CAR SALESMAN: Check out the reclining seats.
ME: Oh this baby is gonna get some action *winks*
[Cut to me asleep in car on my lunch break]
Why do I say “no” to necklaces? Oh, I dunno, maybe it’s because I’m not gonna do fully 50% of a strangler’s job for him.
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
reminder that one halloween i got an “unknown activity” alert on my security camera and it was me in a shrek costume
coworker: you’re driving the wrong way! the office is the other way
me: *smacks bungee cords attached to my car* my goals are beyond your understanding
I don’t think my neighbor knows my rule about not interacting unless we’re both pointing at the same tornado.
inventor of pita: i have created bread in the form of a pocket.
assistant: aha so you can easily fill it with food.
inventor of pita: oh. [chuckles] oh it won’t be easy.
I accidentally had two energy drinks today and now my house is decorated for Christmas.
this is the most cat thing ive ever seen