When ya leave Twitter it’s called twittercide.
What about Instagram?
Instagramicide? IGicide? Instacide? Gramicide? Instadead? Instagone?
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[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
I stuff the hamster bubble with Cheetos and roll it across the room to you like a bowling ball. You don’t know what the hell just happened… but you’re in love.
thanks for your constructive criticism! i hated it and will be telling my mom about this
you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
I went to the doctor because I have been hearing voices nonstop.
Apparently they are called children.
Divorces should just be reverse weddings where you get pushed out of a church while your friends steal appliances from your home.
My husband handed my son an orange to take to school.
Me: “He’s not going to eat that.”
My son reached in his bag and pulled out yesterday’s orange. … and then pulled out Tuesday’s orange as well.
Resolution: He returned two previous oranges and brought the new one. 🤷🏼♀️
Because I didn’t know any better, I always sang “bowels of holly” as a kid.
Ladies: To see how a guy is in bed, watch him put on a shoe. Does he just cram his foot in? Or does he lick the shoe fully then gently enter
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
“It’s Your Birthday” Mateo Said. I Didn’t Respond. “Are You Not Excited To Be 15” He Asked. Reading My Book I Uttered “I Turned 15 Long Ago”
date: you can’t seriously be mad
me: [one french fry fewer than before] i just hope i don’t starve
If a bear attacks me, I’m staying put. The only thing worse than getting attacked by a bear, is getting attacked by a bear while running.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
If my name was Pooh I wouldn’t wear pants either
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because kids that eat Taco Bell can’t climb, or run.
My husband and I get along better since realizing how much our yelling upsets the dog.
daughter: there’s a monster under my bed
me: why do you say that?
daughter: because when i stick my foot out from under the covers, the monster grabs it
me: [to son] have you been hiding under your sister’s bed?
son: *sighs* yes
me: did you see a monster under there
“That’s one small step for man. That’s one open fridge for man. That’s one good sandwich for-”
“Neil! Stop.”
“I WALKED ON THE MOON, JANET”
[first day in hell]
Me: Ugh, it’s humid here.
Satan: Muahaha!
Me: The air…it’s moist.
Satan: Ok wait. You gotta stop saying that word.
Me: The heat AND the humidity make everything feel so moist.
Satan, rubbing temples:
This IS hell.
Subtle cannibal alert: people who call their friends “peeps” around Easter.
I don’t always make pterodactyl noises, but when I do it’s usually because I’m walking through a crowded aisle in Walmart.
These people are screaming like they’ve never seen pompoms on an axe before.
If the CIA has my house bugged they’ve heard several impromptu songs about my dog being a good boy.
Dear Religion,
Pics or it didn’t happen.
Love, Science
Keep this between us, but I’ve snuck Don’t Speak lyrics into every relationship argument I’ve ever had.
I hope the world needs to be saved from the apocalypse with video game skills so my teen’s entire life won’t have been a complete waste.
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?