Some people bite their tongue, I have to bite my fingers to keep from replying to some stupid reply.
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As a little girl I dreamt of being Belle so I could have that beautiful yellow gown- As a grown woman I want to be Belle so I can be locked away in an enchanted castle where the dishes clean themselves.
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
Some say cheetahs are the fastest animal at 60 mph. Not true. Dogs have been clocked at 18,000 mph when the Soviets launched one into space.
Me: promise you won’t show anyone?
Him: promise
*sends pics
H: that’s pics of fruit snacks
M: you said you wanted pics of my goods
Witness protection, but for men who have accidentally told a woman she looks tired
*releases helium-filled heart balloon*
Me: You’re free now
Balloon: Ima choke a bird
I drink because it’s difficult to eat alcohol.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
When I got my epidural during childbirth I didn’t realize it was gonna wear off before the toddler years
Not to brag, but I’ve been told I’m a fine one to talk.
I need everyone to calm down I broke into this house to pet your dog not steal him
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
No haunted houses for me this year. If I wanna be frightened I’ll just look at my 401k.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
waiter: want to hear our lunch specials?
me: sure
waiter: we have a caesar salad, clam chowder, or club sandwich
me: those things are on the normal menu
waiter: yes but right now you can get them $18
me: they’re usually $12
waiter: today they’re special
wife: Why don’t we run through the parking lot?
me [laying on the ground in front of the car that hit me] Because it’s dangerous
captain: *drops anchor over side of boat*
me: great now who’s gonna do the news
BREAKING: Pot calls kettle “black”. “Racial tension at boiling point” says mayor of kitchen cupboard
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
Sure. I lift.
*lifts donut to mouth*
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
Rare footage of my parents on their way to school.
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
FARMER: you ok man?
ME (from inside a well I fell into 3 days ago): all is well lol
FARMER: lol
ME: seriously though I think I broke my leg
Had trouble sleeping today. They added a trumpeter to this morning’s church service.
Thoughts
Me: it’s not you, I just don’t like talking on the phone, I’m super awkward oh god, u think I’m weird for saying that don’t u
911 operator: ma’am is he still stabbing u
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
Him: What dat mouth do?
Me: Cookie Monsters a box of mini corn dogs.
my kid, carrying one small toy and a water bottle: mom, can you get my backpack, my hands are really full
me, carrying 8 grocery bags: