Carol from Facebook said she’s “taking it one day at a time,” so I responded “me too. That’s how days work.”
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Roses are red,
violets are blue,
this poem is overused,
just like your mum.
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[Seahawks locker room]
Coach: okay if we want to win we will need to have a bigger number for the score!
Wilson: well put! Well put!
Some days you’re just really stupid. 365 to be exact.
[creepy mansion]
ME: That portrait is watching us
MAN: No way
ME: [goes right up to portrait] I’m vegan
PORTRAIT: [rolls eyes]
ME: I knew it
You know where I’d like to go?
Missing
While I was driving, my 4-year-old threw a shoe and honked the car horn and has officially outdone my husband as the worst back seat driver.
We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Hotels be like, it’s $150 a night and you’re staying 2 nights so that brings your total to $947.43.
Coffee: hi
Me: hey
*slow 80’s saxophone starts playing*
gf: we can’t have another pet
me: [holding my new rabbit] shhh you’re bothering neil patrick-carrots
There has been a pencil case on the landing of my staircase for a week now. I notice it every time I go up or downstairs, but vowed not to pick it up just to see if someone else would.
There will be a Covid vaccine before this pencil case gets moved.
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
Playing horsey, but it’s just my 2yo granddaughter riding my last nerve.
scarlet joe hanson sounds like an old timey boxer’s name. “weighin’ in at 182 lbs, 5’9″, the ol’ black widow, scarlet jooooooe hansen!”
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
[Dr. Strange casting read]
Ancient One: Ópẽñ yõür ẽyé, Stéphẽñ
Benedict Cumberbatch: …what… is this accent for real?
Tilde Swinton: Í’m ñõt dõíñg ãñ ãccéñt
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
Mom would send me to the store and I would spend the change on candy and told her I lost it, so she started giving me exact change and I started losing a loaf of bread on the way home.
Kindergarten, day two.
Me: Who did you play with at recess?
Daughter: One of my best friends. I don’t remember her name.
I have strict instructions to my husband that upon my death he has to put that “in memory of my beautiful wife” sticker on the back of his car or I’ll haunt him forever.
But who am I kidding? I’m going to haunt him regardless.
Why are there so many songs about love but none about a turtle chasing you in your kayak
I don’t think the milf next door watches enough porn. She asked for help with her sink. It’s been 20 minutes, we’re still fixing the sink.
Phew. After THAT lunch I won’t need afternoon tea haha just kidding pass me that lasagna.
*Guy tries giving me his phone number*
Me: Oh no thank you. I already have one
My daughter just put a box of un-frosted Pop Tarts in my grocery cart so I walked out and left her there.
Good luck with that life.
Me 7 hours into an 8 hour car ride: Do you want me to drive?
Husband:
(Little Red Riding Hood but instead it’s me dressed as the grandma)
Little Red: Grandma what bad tweets you have.
Me: Okay what the
My Grandma would be pissed if she found out how many times she’s died so I could get out of having to go somewhere.