me, on the phone: haha hail satan what’s up
god: still me you didn’t click over
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Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why are you doing this?
One time I tried to pull off the Ariana Grande cat ears but I just looked like Barf from Spaceballs.
Tinder is a food delivery app if you’re good at it.
’50 Shades of Grey’ taught me how to please a woman. It’s by writing a shitty book.
What do you mean your dog doesn’t have a middle name. How does he know when you’re angry.
I just discovered that first aid kits do not include slices of pizza in it and I feel so betrayed.
He approaches me from behind and wraps his arms around me and I am breathless.
With one firm and quick thrust, he dislodges my food.
My brain: Hahahaha… Sorry, I don’t remember your pin.
My brain, 5 minutes later: Hey, I know you already paid cash but I remember that pin now.
Golf would be better with landmines.
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
[ zombie desperately trying to feed a dollar into a glass elevator full of businessmen ]
My daughter is grounded for eternity and she just asked me the life expectancy of an adult male who smokes cigarettes and drinks too much coffee…
Teacher: Ants can lift things that are heavier than they are
Kid: How can a thing be heavier than it is?
Teacher: No, you’re not understanding—(sees it’s almost 3 pm)—because magic
I am the boss of me. And my wife is my boss’s boss.
Colleagues who feel the need to say “You either love me or hate me!” are oblivious to the fact that it’s always the latter.
Unknown number calls and expects me to talk first, welcome to breathing competition.
Dora: what was your favorite part of our journey?
Me: I liked the part where we went over the purple bridge into the candy forest.
Dora: *stares blankly*
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me:
Dora:
Me: *nervous sweating*
Dora: that was my favorite part too!
Me: Oh thank god
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
HIPSTER COP: *into radio* “We’ve got a 13-88 in progress…it’s a pretty rare crime, you probably wouldn’t know it”
landlords thinking they deserve a tip is actually crazy
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
*refills beautiful woman’s wine glass* haha I feel like I’ve been talking about corn dogs–and my love of corn dogs–all night
Me washing dishes, wearing rubber gloves: Ouchie. 🙁 Why does the water have to get so hot
Me in the shower, turning the left tap as far as it will go: Bliss. Magic. I want to be scalded like a Christmas lobster
completely misunderstood pride month. who wants to buy 15 lions
Teen, watching the halftime show: WOW. How old are these people?
Me: JUST LET ME HAVE THIS ONE THING WITHOUT RUINING IT FOR ME.
would Iove a queer bar called something normal. Instead it’s like here I am spending another night at the gaping hole
Let’s all smash our hands together repeatedly to indicate that we enjoyed that thing.
A worm is a pretty shitty prize for getting up early if you ask me.