i’ve been ghosted enough to add paranormal investigator to my resume.
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Yes, air conditioning, I’ll marry you. Yes! Yes! A thousand times, yes!
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
Trying to explain to H that when the doctor said he can have one red wine a day, he didn’t mean bottle.
The future is now.
I scream, you scream, we all scream, while I’m crawling under the bathroom stall to say hi to you.
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Drugs are not the answer. Unless the question is “What are you in for?”
Answer my phone? No thanks.
I’ve seen what happens to Liam Neeson.
CIA boss: I’ve been informed there is a mole in the office
*gasps*
CIA: I called janitorial but they haven’t found it yet
*laughter*
CIA: also someone in here leaked info
*gasps*
CIA: because tim found out about his surprise bday party
*laughter*
CIA: also someone’s a spy
Person: Do you like using a wheelchair?
Me: I tried using a recliner, but it was useless for transportation.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Sometimes I buy enormous pants and take a picture of myself holding them up just to feel like I lost a ton of weight.
Headed to the gym. Gonna work on my diptroids. My gluteralids. My quadrapeps. Maybe my trapaceptals. Definitely my vocabulary.
Thunder!
Or did you eat the vending machine egg salad again?
My wife just gave me an ultimatum, it’s either her or Twitter.
So, sadly this will be my last tweet, where I mention having a wife.
DATING TIP: PULL THE CHAIR OUT FOR HER. PICK THE CHAIR UP & FOLD IT. HIT HER OVER THE HEAD WITH THE CHAIR. GET THE 3 COUNT. NEW WWE CHAMPION
94% of tea drinking is just waiting for it to cool down
Canadians: Maybe they’re born with it, maybe it’s maple leaf.
I bet kangaroos get drunk and find some ridiculous shit in their pouches in the morning.
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
My toddler fell out with me today because it was too hot and I wouldn’t ‘turn the sun down’
The gym is really dead on Saturday mornings. I could tell by their empty parking lot as I was sitting in McDonald’s eating hotcakes and sausage.
*catcher puts 1 finger down*
*pitcher shakes head*
*puts 2 fingers down*
*nods*
(catcher to umpire)
“can we take a break? he has to poop”
I assert dominance over millennials by responding to their texts with phone calls.
I need to delete some of my fake dating profiles. It’s gotten so confusing I just met myself at Starbucks.
ME: *seductively removes her G-string*
HER: Could you please just hurry up and finish restringing my guitar?
I accidentally got my blow up doll pregnant.
Related: I’ve got some balloons for sale.
bully: [grabs journal] what’s this? “tweet ideas”?
me: hey give that back 🙁
[he opens it and the only entry reads “hobo is short for homeless boneless”]
Why do they call it a zoom meeting, and not a co-vid?
OK I GOT TO THE BOTTOM OF THIS WHOLE HILLARY EMAILS THING. TURNS OUT THEYRE LIKE A FAST KIND OF MAIL THAT GOES IN THE COMPUTER.