*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
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I tell you, it’s so hot out here I saw a bird blowing on a worm before he ate it.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
My 5yo won an argument with me by saying “I’m just going to agree with myself”
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.
“Are you talking back to me?” “Mom, that’s how a conversation works.”
My kid’s school asked them to get a family relic for school “show and tell”. He asked what’s a relic and they said ancient things. So he asked me to give him anything I had from my childhood.
If I’m ever in jail my one call is going to be to the Koolaid guy.
Anytime I need to leave my name for a server to yell out later when my order is ready I always say it’s “Marco”.
These supplements I was taking promised me a defined shape…they didn’t say it would be “melted candle”.
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
I just found a Cheerio in my sofa and we don’t have any Cheerios in this house.
*eats it
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
ok guys the gofundme I set up to hire a hitman to kill me is already at 3x its goal you can stop contributing
Cake safety first. Always.
Me: I don’t believe the world is round…
Flat Earthers: *getting visibly excited*
Me: …because it’s actually an oblate spheroid
Flat Earthers: Is that…how flat is that
The 4 Major Types of Twitter DMs:
Sup
Hello dear
Thanks for the follow!
Would you rather die at the hands of a koala or kangaroo?
[At a psychic fair]
Psychic: Ask whatever you want to know. Success? Work? Love? Money?
Me: Can you tell me where my car keys are?
The internet is magic sometimes.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
*takes a home pregnancy test*
*finds out home is pregnant*
*calls a carpenter to find out if it’s gonna be a shed or a gazebo*
We’re living in two Stephen King novels. The Dead Zone and The Stand. If clowns show up I’m done.
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
That eye roll….
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Sorry I used the word flaccid twice in your wedding toast.