[speed dating]
Me: Have you ever choked someone?
“No I would never do something like that”
Me: Next
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death: it’s your time
me: in my dying era
death: what
me: going ghost mode
death: stop
You can’t hurt my feelings, pffft, I have three kids
Always a bridesmaid, never a new world-order leader in a post-apocalyptic all-powerful matriarchy. Sigh.
Canada is the 6th most peaceful country in the world in 2018. Canadians wondering who we gotta fight to get closer to #1.
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Choose your fighter
I really had high hopes for this year though
stan is such a liar – at first he’s like “i’m your biggest fan” but THEN he says his little brother matthew likes eminem even more than him
*tries to quietly check the football score during a home invasion
Feels
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
Me: I want to be like Hemingway.
Friend: a writer?
Me: no. An alcoholic.
Instead of saying “I lost 35 pounds”,
say, “I lost half a super-model”
Boss: Are you asleep?
Me: Sorry, must’ve dozed off
B: That’s unacceptable!
M: I apologised, didn’t I ?
B: And where are your pants?
M: *shrugging* I always sleep naked
Accidentally dropped a magic mushroom in my cats litter box & now he’s laying across the driveway staring at the stars & quoting Kierkegaard
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Each time I use an exclamation point, I feel as if I’m shooting my sentence out of a t-shirt cannon.
58.
I find it odd that when someone dies we refer to them as late, my late Aunt Polly. Aunt Polly isn’t late, she’s not coming.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
Yes but what if Donald Trump IS actually dead but his toupee is alive and steering him round like a marionette?
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
PRIEST: In the beginning there was the word
ME: capsicum
P: no
M: tumescent gerund caliphate
P: stop trying to guess the word
M: maelstrom
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
If I had a time machine I would go back to the Star Wars era and kill baby Darth Vader
Every time I buy something now
✉️: thank u for buying the thing
✉️: we have several more like it!
✉️: remember when u bought thing
✉️: ✨❤️4️⃣Day-Anniversary✨
✉️: wow that day u bought the thing
✉️: please do not forget that day
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
That’s not how days work.