My boss: Could you come in to work on Saturday this week? I know you enjoy your weekends, but I need you here.
Me: Yeah, no problem. I’ll probably be late though as the public transport is bad on weekends
Boss: Okay, when do you think you’ll get here then?
Me: Monday
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Her: What’s your type?
Me, flirting: I don’t really have a type.
Her: *checks notes* I see this is your first blood transfusion.
a contractor is just a regular tractor that rips people off
Me: when is your birthday
Her: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* when is your birthday?
DOCTOR: Have you been exercising for 30 minutes a day?
ME: Yes. I do The Robot to annoy my kids.
DOCTOR: That’s not…
ME: TECHNOBOT CAN’T HEAR YOU OVER HIS SICK MOVES, DOC!
If you think you’re having a bad morning, my son is crying because his sock doesn’t feel right.
girl: i’m way into philosophy
me: who is ur favorite philosopher
girl: Hume
me: sorry whom is ur favorite philosopher
COP: I pulled you over because you were swerving.
ME: There was a box of thumbtacks in the road and I wanted to avoid a flat tire.
COP: OK, you’re under arrest for tacks evasion also.
A lot of people don’t know this but if you’re turned into a vampire you don’t actually get a vampire name.
Some of you will just be Gary the Vampire
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Things that are more painful to step on than a Lego:
1. A gas pedal
I just watched a squirrel bury a nut in my front yard. I’m going to dig it up and replace it with a Cadbury egg.
That’ll blow his Lil mind
I’m a Leo so I just eat the other astrological signs.
Oh really, Carol? It takes fewer muscles to smile than to frown? How many muscles does it take you to mind your own business
ROOF GUY: That’ll be $15,000
ME: I thought you said it was on the house
When Leo said, “To all my friends, you know who you are” he was talking about the bear
News: Eating dark chocolate and drinking red wine have health benefits.
Me [dipping Milky Way Bar in merlot]: I’m going to live forever.
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
I’m gonna get a tattoo of me getting a tattoo of me getting a tattoo. Inkception.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
“Excuse me, but the sign says ‘No shirt, no shoes, no service.’ It doesn’t say a goddamn thing about no pants.”
– Me, drunk at Target
[aliens arrive]
people: *screaming crying hiding*
me: *frantically learning how to spell TAKE ME in music and math*
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
I went on 3 dates with Elijah Wood before I realized he wasn’t Daniel Radcliffe
Him: Look at the poodle I got for my wife!
Me: That’s a pretty good trade…
A great tip. #CakeRex
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Want to know what it’s like to have kids?
1. Gather everything you own.
2. Throw it all on the floor.
3. Pick it up.
4. Repeat for infinity.
Me: can you come in here a second?
Boyfriend: is this gonna be a “fun” talk?
Me: not for you