I still love Rage Against the Machine
but now it’s just me fighting with my husband over his constantly malfunctioning “smart home” systems.I just want to turn off a light …
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[walking slowly down the basement staircase with a flashlight to investigate a scary noise] h-hello???
giant rat demon (suddenly appears with loose sweatpants on): dude you have to knock first
me: ah sorry martin
medium rat demon: come back to bed baby
I can only imagine how slow Netflix streaming must have been while quarantining for the 1918 pandemic.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
I know I couldn’t handle being in a position of power because when I’m the banker in Monopoly I steal money
Truthfully, I’m hungover. But if anyone asks, this is a yoga position.
no thanks rational thinking your ship has sailed
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
ME: Then the robber came thru the door holding a gun
COP: Was it a revolver?
ME [thinks] No he just pushed it open & walked thru like normal
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
HR: Did you call an employee stupid?
Me: No, I asked if he knew he was stupid.
If you can’t handle me at my worst just imagine how I feel.
Thank you lady with the screaming kid I almost forgot to pick up more condoms.
ME: Help! Boa constrictor!
BOA: Actually, I’m a python.
ME: Help! Boa contradictor!
11 year old: “I was thinking. What if Alexa gets mad and starts ordering parts from Amazon to build herself a body?”
Me: O_O
Ten seconds into packing a box…aaaand I’ve lost the end of the tape
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
Me: So, let me get this straight. It’s cute for the toddler to wear her flannel jammies to the grocery store but it’s embarrassing if I do it?
Husband: I have nothing to say. I knew what I was getting into when I married you.
Me, first week of school: I packed you a healthy lunch.
Me, one month later: They’re serving mini-corn dogs & pudding, you want school lunch today?
If the sun is blacking out at 1pm on a Monday than so am I
I hate it when someone tells me something, then says “this information is not for public consumption.“
…As if I plan on eating it.
Motherhood is like being a fireman putting out fires but everyone is shouting out how you’re doing it wrong and criticizing your sweatpants.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
To the Audi hogging the road:
Sir, money means nothing to me. I will turn your Audi into an innie real quick!
My coworker is pregnant and they passed a card around and I didn’t know what to write so I just put HAVE A GOOD BABY TANYA
Elmo: Elmo says this just him coping
Oscar: I don’t care, it’s morbid and- oh hey Bert
Bert: Ahem *nods to jar under arm*
Oscar: Hey Urn-ie
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
This Kit Kat commercial is making some awfully big assumptions about both my generosity and number of friends.
My husband’s birthday is soon and today I put a reminder on the calendar to buy him a gift.
Our shared calendar.
At least he already knows not to expect much.