it be like that
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When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
You call that an apology? I’ll show you an apology!
Canadian Oneupmanship
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
I broke my finger yesterday. On the other hand, I’m okay.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Band: Are you ready to rock?!
Me: I need to pee first.
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
“I am doing well.” – Russian man having sex with a well
[5 mins after seeing our neighbour’s new boat]
wife: “everything’s a competition to you”
me: [trying to find the moon on eBay] “no it’s not”
Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
God: I need one more rib please
Adam: No
God: Come on man, I can see the future… this is going to be a problem
Adam: I said NO
God: ugh, fine *calls McDonalds* sorry guys but the McRib is gonna have to be limited time only
Look, I’m not saying he’s a bad dentist. I’m just saying maybe you should check his references.
Smoke alarms are stupid — like I’d ever forget to smoke.
getting into an accident in GTA and making my character get out of the car to exchange insurance information with the other driver
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
If someone finds a long red hair in the meal I’ve prepared, I yell “YOU WIN” and toss them a piece of candy.
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
When someone patiently listens to you for an hour without judgment…
$85
When your best friend listens to you for 10 minutes and tells you you’re being an idiot…
Priceless.
my tattoos don’t make me unprofessional, my desire to not work does
me: *blows a raspberry*
raspberry: ah yea baby
Trust us: the feminine form of ‘ghostbuster’ is ‘ghostbuster’.
Do you ever eat an individual-sized bag of chips and wonder what kind of “individual” only eats seven chips?
When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too
I live 30 feet from my mother-in-law, Hell holds no surprises.
If the way I shelled this hard boiled egg is any indication of how the rest of the day will go, I should just climb back into bed.
WIFE: It’s either me or th-
ME: He has name
WIFE: OR the goose.
ME: Say it.
WIFE:…
ME: Say his name.
WIFE:…
ME: Why won’t you love Tom Honks
I put my music on shuffle then get mad when it doesnt play the song I want.
[inventor of cursive] what if the letters held hands
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.