Google just alerted me to light traffic in my area which is odd because I’m in the bathtub.
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I want to be cremated so that I will get a smoking hot body again
Jaws (1975): people started hating a shark for doing normal shark things
The English language lacks a word to mean “To make a spouse feel uncomfortable by aggressively cleaning the house around them”.
Is it still kidnapping if I packed a suitcase?
Please don’t ask me to repeat myself I wasn’t listening either
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
[being dragged off the plane]
Wait! Those are my 30-50 service hogs!
I hate how survivors leave the zombies they kill wherever they fall.
I’m not sentimental.
I’m just sick of tripping over them.
[wearing World’s Best Dad shirt]
Wife: whys there blood on your shirt?
Me: its not my blood
Guy bleeding out in the yard: its not your shirt
Obama: Please don’t talk to me until I’ve had my morning cup of Joe.
Joe: no please no more.
Obama: shut up Joe. *takes a sip of Joe*
If you don’t want to be in love with me that’s fine. You’re entitled to your wrong and very stupid opinions.
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
Date: I love car chase action scenes
Me, a fruit stand vendor: I think we’re done here
Got drunk and told the dog she’s adopted last night
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
(to kid at lemonade stand) i ain’t buying shit until i find you on yelp
So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
Marry a man who surrounds himself with good weather and can provide good weather for you and your children.
i haven’t seen a squirrel outside lately and now all of the sudden taco bell selling wings.. something ain’t right
If GMOs can make hundred pound tomatoes why don’t I have a pet teacup elephant yet?
When my wife packs for a trip she basically moves out.
Snapchat is going public in March
with a $30 billion IPO.Investors only hope the value of stock shares holds up longer than its snaps.
I say: ‘Pls watch that pothole’.
My son hears: ‘Pls drive through that pothole with the force of a thousand jackhammers’.
How long do you think Samara from The Ring has been waiting for someone else to watch that videotape now?
dave is coming over
“normal dave or dave whos alwayes doing impressions of evrybody we know”
[from outside] hi guyes, its normal dave
“noooo
flight attendant: please put all devices in airplane mode
optimus prime: i can only do “truck”
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.