The woman at the table next to me has been whining and complaining about her boyfriend for the last 20 minutes.
I’m not even in the relationship and I’ve broken up with her 4 times in my mind.
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gollum: *coughs on ring*
frodo: you know what, keep it
Unplugged the WiFi for 10 seconds and a teenager I didn’t know existed appeared from one of the bedrooms to complain
Me: God, I’ve been super stressed lately
My skin: would a bunch of pimples help?
[Italian restaurant]
LADY:
“Let’s start with the shrimp scampi, then the chateaubriand, and maybe, hmm…”TRAMP [checking wallet]:
“We’re gonna have spaghetti and meatballs. Is silverware extra? You know what… no silverware.”
Mom: Some stranger keeps answering your land line.
Me: That’s because I haven’t had a land line in 7 years, Ma.
I asked my friend what keeps her up at night. She answered, “helium.” Also, my friend is a balloon.
If your drug dealer is on time, he’s a cop.
Dear Cupid,
Next time hit both.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
🎵 These cheese curds are beyond compare
I can watch the hockey there
I wear my toque and back bacon is keen
Eat Tim Horton’s with no cares
Share my french fries with some bears
But I cannot compete with you
Poutine
Pretty wild how people love surprises until that surprise is finding you hiding in their bushes
[Commercial for narrators]
Narrator: Don’t you wish someone would tell you important information in a soothing voice? NARRATORS
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
BEARDED DRAGON: So, what do you think?
SMAUG: Get rid of it. You look ridiculous.
[on a Ferris wheel]
Me: *to my pet ferret* I’m sorry, Joshua, there’s been a misunderstanding
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
What if Billie Eilish’s Bad Guy was by Meghan Trainor?
What if instead of meth you made the powerpuff girls?
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Stop saying “you can’t make this stuff up“. You can make anything up. Watch this: a breakdancing beaver wearing a top hat. A peanut butter and thumbtack sandwich. A baby doing calculus. It’s easy.
Therapist: So do you think your trust issues stem from your father abandoning you?
*I think back to how betrayed I felt the first time I bought an energy drink in a bright red can but the liquid was green*
Me: Sure let’s go with that.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
Spring cleaning checklist…
I’m sick of these libs telling me I can’t say “Happy Honda Days” because I might offend someone who celebrates Toyotathon. So, I guess I’m supposed to wish everyone a “Happy Winter Car Sale”?
How do I mute or block this account called “Promoted?”
Some BUNNY once told me the world was gonna roll me.
— an Easter egg
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
3: Mommy, I hid your phone.