Opponent: I wish you luck
Me: Tha—
Opponent: But I also wish to suck the marrow from the bones of your defeated corpse.
Me, picks up ping pong paddle: okey dokey
You Might Also Like
Get off my horse you stupid moon
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
4 can finally say the letter l. However, he has over corrected and started randomly replacing letters with ls. It’s lucking conlusing.
Airport: come like 3 hours early
Ok what gate do I go to
Airport: not telling until last minute 🤫
your annual reminder that rodents have no ability to predict the weather.
the only reason sharks haven’t built an advanced civilization yet is because they’ll die if they stop swimming. they simply have no time to scribe laws or lay bricks or invent pottery
[spelling bee]
judge: your word is serendipity.
me: can you use it in a sentence.
judge: sure. gary googled the word serendipity.
[my 1st day at press conference sign language translator job I lied on my résumé to get]
ME: *does Madonna’s Vogue choreography for 45 min*
I recently bought a corset to spice up my sex life. Once I’ve learned how to breathe in the damn thing I’ll tell you how it worked out.
SCROOGE: Oh great spirit…why are we at the Olive Garden?
GHOST OF CHRISTMAS PASTA: These guys have endless breadsticks
Since I moved into my house, my parents do this thing where they come over so my dad can work on a project but he always forgets a tool he needs so they just drink my beer instead.
Cop: I’m going in, cover me!
Me:*speed knits blanket*
me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr
Her: 😉 Is that a potato in your pocke…
Me: *pulls a steaming hot fully loaded potato from my pocket*
I hate when I order too large a portion of ribs that it tips my car over and my modern stone age family has to get back home on foot.
My greatest accomplishment as a parent has been convincing my kids that Chuck E Cheese closes for “flu season.”
“So hell isn’t too bad,” I say from the podium. “I just keep teaching?”
“Actually…” said a demon
“Actually…” said another
“ACTUALLY…”
Me – I can’t find the sea salt.
Wife – It’s next to the paprika.
Me – No it isn’t.
(she comes in to look, a bottle of sea salt magically appears right next to the paprika)
I watched DJ Khaled on SNL and I still have absolutely no idea what it is he does exactly.
All kids are born with a sixth sense that lets them know the absolute worst time to ask for something.
You can’t hurt me, you’re not Amazon Prime telling me that I might also like Crocs.
When I run into an old friend, and I have no idea what they’ve been up to, I just say, “I love your podcast.” Haven’t been wrong yet.
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
“Hey, are you gonna eat this?”
Imagine being the first Robert called Bobby, they were probably like, ‘wtf did you just call me?’
Husband: “I’m gonna go back on my keto diet”
Me: “So you want me to throw out these Kit Kats?”
H: “Well, let’s not be hasty now!”
It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
I thought Match .com was a place to arrange fights to the death, but turns out it’s a website to find love. So I was close.
Peacock tails: Good!
Pee cocktails: Bad.
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.