If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
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HER: My daughter is named Nevaeh which is heaven spelled backwards.
ME: *Phone rings* Hold on my son Elohssa is calling
Have you ever been so jealous of an idea
My wife told me not to say anything about her friend’s lazy eye so I made sure to give numerous compliments on her super-athletic one.
Just enjoy the pool, I don’t need to see a picture of your feet by it.
Flight attendant: The pilot has had a heart attack! So who can fly the plane??
Me: omg *nudges wife* I love riddles
Was carded whilst buying wine today and my response was to point out that I was wearing a very sensible cardigan
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
The new jumper I bought kept picking up static electricity, so I took it back and they exchanged it for another one free of charge.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Justin Timberlake postponing his Buffalo show Sat. & then going on Fallon is like that time I called in sick & tweeted a selfie on a boat.
My mating call in winter is just me shaving my legs.
She blinded me with science. Fine, it was mace, but she sprayed it very scientifically.
True love doesn’t care about the look or size of your wallet, it’s all about what is inside ….. the wallet.
Teacher: define “impossible”
Me: no can do
Teacher: correct. and can you explain what “skepticism” is?
Me: doubt it
Teacher: excellent! and “agnosticism”?
Me: I have no idea
Teacher: amazing
her: are u excited for the next Star Wars
me: [sweating] did we win the last one
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
Me [seeing they want to give teachers guns because there are guns in schools]: There are also drugs in schools.
Boy, did The Shining nail what it’s like being an only child.
Sometimes nothing goes well. Other times you draw a mustache on a photo as a revenge, and the person on the photo sees it and to your surprise actually grows a mustache because he liked it
everyone telling you that you’re beautiful on the Internet is an escaped convict.
So the ex texted me
My friend had her baby at home and I can’t even give myself a manicure at home
When Canadian Girl Scouts come to sell you cookies, you goddam buy cookies.
Auto correct changed “you all” to “y’all” and now I end all my sentences “bless their heart.“
Saw a big girl wearing really short, shredded denim shorts. I’m going to assume those were jeans before she hulked out.
so mom just interrupted my Zoom standup set to ask me to carry her martini to her bedroom because it was too heavy.
[spending entire date hiding the fact I’m really a beaver]
“ow”
what’s wrong?
“I got a splinter”
may I see?
“I guess so”
delicious
“pardon?”
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
Confuse them by retweeting their worst tweet.