People complain a lot about Peeps, but when I really want to eat something slightly toxic and also glittery, they’re the first thing I reach for
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You could make dinner for a toddler, or you could just cut out the middle man & throw away a plate of food and squirt ketchup on the dog.
Well, sure, if I was a 22 year old hottie I’d tweet sexy stuff, but I’m a 47 year old married woman with 5 kids. I tweet despair.
[blind date]
HER: I recently found Jesus
ME {trying to keep the conversation going}: Where was he?
It’s never a cool story. It’s always, “how did you hurt your knee?” I don’t know. “Well, what were you doing? “ Walking.
The three things Im grateful for:
1. Family
2. Friends
3. Caller ID to avoid family and friends.
[Calls boss]
I’m gonna be late…
“How late?”
*Cut to me trapped inside a tiny house made from Lego*
I’ve no idea to be honest with you…
I can’t believe my terrible boss* is making me work on this sacred national holiday**
*me
**National Cheesecake Day
Mormon: Want to hear about my religion?
Me: I already know. There can be only 1
Him: That’s Highlander
Me: Come back when you have swords
[Exorcism]
Priest: What is your name?
Demon: Jim
Wife: Jim who owes us $100 or hot Jim?
Demon: Nice legs Carol
Wife: Let’s keep him. Next…
me: son, you’re adopted
son: WHAT
me: no no it’s a good thing, it means we actually wanted you
daughter: WHAT
My shetland pony was all black and we called him Midnight. His sister was not quite as dark and her name was Eleven Thirty.
Hitting someone with overdraft fees is like whipping a footless man because he’s not running fast enough.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
That awkward moment when you realize your wife’s funeral is turning into a sausage-fest.
If you poop your pants while fishing, is it still called a boating accident? And can you claim it against insurance?
Worth remembering.
Me: *telling my teen a story about a truck driving serial killer*
My teen: That would be a good job for me…being a truck driver.
Me: …
My teen: …
Me: …
My teen: NOT BECAUSE I WANT TO KILL WOMEN
Little did I know the first time I bought a 3-pack of condoms that I was buying a lifetime supply.
Long job application should let me clock in to finish them
6 year old: Mommy, take a picture of me and post it on Amazon.
Don’t tempt me kid.
So I put one (1) ancient mummified corpse in a tub of water to see if it would rehydrate into a zombie, and now I’m some kind of weirdo? OK, whatever. Halloween is gonna suck this year, and that’s on you.
Interviewer: what is your greatest weakness?
Me: I think people find me intimidating
Interviewer (nervously): maybe it has something to do with the-
Me: OMG, it has nothing to do with the giant hawk perched on my shoulder
I threw out all the clothes that no longer fit and now I’m a nudist.
FRIEND: Thanks for letting me stay here while I’m in town
ME: No problem
FRIEND: Do u have a Waffle House nearby?
ME: No they’re all wood
me hooking up with my ex
“I don’t buy flowers for girls because they die” yeah well so do the flowers
*spills water on pants*
ok don’t let anyone think you peed your pants
“hey what happ–”
MY WATER BROKE, GET ME TO THE HOSPITAL
I’m sorry we fought. I hate it when you’re wrong.
Me: I’m sorry, but I don’t think I’ll ever be ready to have children
Wife: I won’t say it again, stop saying that in front of the kids
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.