i have never needed anything in my life more than this
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me: i can’t remember my password
my brain: how about an embarrassing memory
When my Internet is down for more than 2 minutes, I assume Western civilization has collapsed so I start looting.
A smile lets people know you are willing and able to bite them if necessary.
My kid made up a song that goes “I love you and would do anything for you except clean” like some kind of 7yo Meat Loaf
my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
If you’re not part of the solution, you must be on Twitter
How dare room service question “how many people” I need 8 mimosas for 🙄
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I wish my car could shake off the rain before going into the garage,
just like a dog after a bath
I’ve been married to my husband for 16 years and just learned he doesn’t like ice cream cones. What in the hell have we been talking about all this time?
CNN: Trump removes screaming baby from rally
Fox News: Trump rally interrupted by another unruly, entitled protestor who still lives at home
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
wish i loved anything as much as my hoodie sleeve loves water.
Cardinal: Ordinations are down
Pope: Maybe a recruiting poster?
C: Slogan?
P: “We separate the men from the boys!”
C: Um… Any other ideas?
They were so preoccupied with whether they could, they didn’t stop to think if they should.
It’s ironic that we put rats in mazes when we, as a species, can’t find our way around IKEA.
waiter: “anything to drink?”
4 year old: “my mom needs a fucking margarita”
So, yeah, they’re always listening.
what idiot called it tinted windows instead of a drug car tell
Was going to call my senator about TikTok, but then the app turned on “see who viewed but didn’t like your video” again so I’m ok if it goes.
I received a call from a charity asking me to donate clothes for starving people. Anyone who can fit into my clothes isn’t starving!
*hits joint*
ahhh yes this is more like it, now I have no idea what’s going on.
This is deadly serious:
Talking about corona-virus this morning, Trump said, “We closed it down. We stopped it.”
There were 15 confirmed cases in the US a week ago.
There are 233 today.
There will be *5,000* in a week
TRUMP’S INCOMPETENCE KILLS.
Amazon Review: Ghost costume
⭐☆☆☆☆
Do Not RecommendPoorly constructed sheet blew away when industrial fan was turned on. I would have gotten away with it if it weren’t for those meddling kids.
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
*gets crushed by a bus*
*checks to see if phone is intact*
Assistant: Here’s the t-shirts – you want M, L or XL?
Roman: Just the one, thanks
THIS IS SPARTA!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY HOUSE IN CHICAGO!
*Next slide*
THIS IS MY PERSIAN CAT!
*Next slide*
Leonidas, it’s getting late.
Saw Interstellar over the weekend & was totally glued to my seat. The movie was OK but the getting-glued-to-my-seat thing ruined it for me.
Dear woman I saw jog down a busy street, run into a liquor store, buy two bottles of wine, and then jog back home,
Come back to me.