Seems like an opportune time to resurface my favorite interview moment
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“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
me: i keep having that dream where my teeth are falling out
dentist: not a dream, please stop chewing the cement balls outside target
My friend reluctantly let her 10yo attend a birthday party before family pictures and asked that she do her best not to get muddy. She did not, however, specify that she shouldn’t get her face painted in camouflage. We’re all very excited for this year’s Christmas card.
Don’t pay your taxes. Get sent to a cool ass prison. Boom, now taxes pay you. Life hack.
The best kind of Sundays are the ones where you thought you finished the cake but then you find more cake
I keep two glasses on my bedside table at night: a glass of water and an empty one, because sometimes, when I wake up, I’m not thirsty.
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
[waving hands and chasing down ice cream truck] Hey!
“What’ll it be?”
[out of breath] Nothing. Just wanted to tell you I’m vegan
Say goodbye to unsightly carpet stains by strategically repositioning your furniture.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Curiosity gave the cat slightly high blood pressure but nothing to be concerned about.
ME: William Shatner ate breakfast before he goes to the gym.
TEACHER: It should all be present tense.
ME: William Shitner eats breakfast before he goes to the gym.
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
When my middle school English teacher didn’t know the word “anecdote,” it became my first successful field test of discretion vs. valor.
In the 80s they used an egg in a frying pan to demonstrate a brain on drugs only because they didn’t have Twitter in the 80s
Do Flat Earthers also believe the sun and moon are flat?
Like, is the entire solar system just a mismatched collection of space dinner plates?
[pulled over]
Dog Cop: you ran a gray light
Dog Driver: but it was still gray when i went through the intersection
Dog Cop: no it was gray
WIFE: I’m pregnant
ME: oh god no
WIFE: I’m kidding
ME: I heard you the first time
If they don’t teach the periodic table during it then they shouldn’t call it elementary school.
if babies “fix everything” then why can’t they hold power tools
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
I gotta ask, what part of ‘I don’t eat sugar’ don’t I understand
[CRIME SCENE]
COP:
This looks like lead poisoning to me!PENCIL:
*Tugs nervously at his collar*
Someone rang my doorbell today and I’ve never Stopped, Dropped, and Rolled under my couch faster.
One time I dated a yoga instructor & my buddies said “Man. She must be really flexible!” but I told them “No, she has to work most weekends”