Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
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…and then the whiskey whispered “You should totally tell her about what your ex used to do to you in bed.”
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
My cousin got hit by a car while jogging this morning. Drunk driver plowed right through the front of his Planet Fitness
What doesn’t kill you is just as disappointed as the rest of us.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
[First day working in a warehouse]
ME: What’s that machine for?
“Oh, that’s the forklift”
ME: OH MY GOD HOW HEAVY ARE YOUR FORKS??
When I was little, my mom would read my fortune cookie. It would say things like, “Never lie about brushing your teeth or they will fall out,” or “Don’t play with Hanna, she’s not a nice girl,” or “Tomorrow you’re getting shots, don’t cry.”
#LiesYourParentsToldYou
Dog The Bounty Hunter’s greatest weakness is getting distracted when the fugitive throws a tennis ball.
My husband brought home an all vegetable pizza for dinner so that I could “kickstart” a diet. To be honest, he would have been better off bringing home a girlfriend.
The Supreme Court was making history, holding arguments over the phone because of Covid-19, when all of a sudden there was the distinct sound of a toilet flushing.
Penguins can’t fly either but pigs are the ones who got famous for their inadequacies
Top 5 forms of torture
5. Sleep deprivation
4. Dentist drills
3. Solitary confinement
2. Water boarding
1. Cilantro
Every once in a while I’ll be driving while not eating and think, “Wow, this is way easier.”
(team meeting)
boss: i’ve always had a no nonsense, take no prisoners approach to…excuse me but what’s with all the looks of disdain?
me: what? oh yeah…since we dropped the mask mandate, it’s difficult to remember that my face isn’t covered.
boss:
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
If your kid’s shitty kindergarten drawing is hanging on your fridge, you are an enabler of mediocrity.
tell em, edith-anne
Lord of the Rings is about a bunch of straight men fighting over jewelry.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
My EX sent me a text today saying “Happy Anniversary” I replied, best one yet.
standing over the sink eating leftovers with my dad like we are two bears that just broke into someones home
KID: Hey look- it’s the guy who’s terrible at comebacks
ME: Why don’t you go cook a hot dog
I planted a whole garden full of bird seed this year and not one bird came up. I quit.
[screaming from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] Can you turn up the radio I love this song
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Sex is like my hair. I didn’t have any yesterday. I didn’t have any today. And unless something drastically changes, I won’t have any tomorrow.
When writing science fiction, always Google your made-up planet name; 9 times out of 10, it’s an existing yeast infection medication.
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Life is too short. Reach out to one of your enemies and tell them that you still hate them.
Perfection.