My neighbor’s wife put him on a diet so I’m slingshotting pretzel balls over the fence like a true bro
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First person to eat a banana: this is not good
First person to peel a banana: dude guess what
Returning to work today
My Boss : “the injured driver returned to work, the driver who put his 2 weeks notice in is gone, the driver we tried to hire to replace him that you were supposed to train failed his drug test”
Me : “and a partridge in a pear tree”
I’m not usually vengeful, but when I am it’s because someone gave my kid a whistle.
Interviewer: Do you mind explaining why you’re late?
Me: I didn’t want to give you the false impression that I’ll always be early.
Welcome to your 40’s: that kid acting like your doctor, is your doctor.
Oh hi lol
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
*Calling from the bakery
Me: “Honey, can I get you something: a muffin, eclair, a cupcake?”
Her: “Surprise me!”
Me: “I think I’m gay”
Day two of homeschooling.
I am leaving my student to fend for herself, so I may hunt for essentials. Like more wine.
Bored?
Looking for some action?Call my parents and tell them you heard the price of stamps are going up again.
Margaret Thatcher died?? And more importantly, Margaret Thatcher was still alive??!!
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
[me reaching to adjust my Nest thermostat]
Thermostat: Just what do you think you are you doing Dave?
Netflix: Should I play this movie?
Me: No no I’m just looking at it for a second
Netflix: I’ll put it on
Me: I’m just literally reading what it is
Netflix: It’s playing 🙂
[mall]
Me: That guy looks SO familiar!
Wife: …
M: Maybe an actor? Musician?
W: …
M: I’ll get an autograph!
W: He’s our mailman, moron.
Wife: I’m leaving
Me: I’m not surprised, spending so much time at home has shown how much we live for superficial joys to disguise how sad we are together
Wife: I’m leaving to go to Walmart
Me: ooh get chocolate
Imagine my surprise when I found out that don’t is not the abbreviation for donut
Me: I’m pregnant
Him: oh no
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
My bank called me for suspicious activity on my account & I was like “no, I went out last night”
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
ouch
a cute girl stopped behind my laptop as I was full screen on a pic of bread and I didn’t know what to say so I stammered out “I like bread”
My watch battery is fully charged.
So I got some time
DOCTOR: I think you have a curvature of the upper spine
QUASIMODO: That a diagnosis?
D: We need an X-ray to confirm. Right now it’s a hunch
I’d have murdered my husband years ago, but the only place w/ more laundry than my house is prison.
Learn to accept others as they are, instead of trying to make another stupid you, out of them.
I don’t date men unless they have tentacles. It’s called having standards.
My wife said we would save money on Halloween candy if we bought it at Aldi so I guess we’re handing out Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
The problem with teaching a man to fish is that eventually somebody will microwave that fish in the work break room.