I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
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ME: a new study suggests that being forgetful is a sign of intelligence
WIFE: where did you read that?
ME: [winks to the camera] I don’t remember
What in Willy Wonka Hillbilly Hell is this??
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
When I say I learnt it on the streets… Just know i’m paying respect to Big Bird and that counting vampire guy
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
This one time, I got kicked out of the audience of “Cats” on Broadway for bringing a laser pointer.
Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
Me: I’ll have a small drink.
Fast food worker: We don’t have a small. We only have large and medium.
Me: *grabs him by collar* THE SMALLEST SIZE CANNOT BE MEDIUM! THAT LITERALLY MEANS MIDDLE!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
Him: Can you believe what’s going on in Egypt?
Me: Yeah…it’s crazy…I gotta go. Bye.
Me: *googles what’s happening in Egypt?*
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Diary, day 1: I’m in the gang, but the guys didn’t want my mom to join
Day 2: Friendship bracelets don’t count as bling
Day 3: They found my diary. I’m out of the gang
They say it takes 10,000 hours to become an expert at something. Please. You wanna know expertise? I’ve spent over 300,000 hrs being a moron
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
my bf dealing with his cats is so funny… they just started fighting and i heard him go “stop it! Did you really think that would solve the conflict?!” Like i bet they were so embarrassed
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Have my doubts about this “smart water,” considering how easily it’s captured and bottled.
FRIEND [happily married]: Marriage is awful… I haven’t had sex in nearly a week
ME [regularly hugs freshly-printed paper just to feel a warm embrace]: Sucks to be you
I wrote out SOS with M&M’s
Five minutes later
I wrote out SO with peanut M&M’s
People who say that they don’t have time for my bullshit should wake up an hour earlier
I want Grandmmarly, the app that passive aggressively corrects my grammar but also mails me a 5 dollar bill on my birthday
When are they going to drug test the audience of “The Price Is Right.”? No one should be that happy.
[job interview]
Interviewer: So what makes you think you’d be a good waiter here?
Octopus: I just really feel like I could bring a lot to the table.
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
Three Doors Down is my favorite band name that describes which bathroom stall you should take when someone else is already there.
Look, I can still fit into my clothes from 10 years ago.
*pants split*
*buttons pop off*
*shirt seams tear*
Too bad the workmanship is so shoddy.
Mario Bros. Plumbing ★☆☆☆☆ (69 Reviews)
Hired them to clear my drain, stomped my turtle to death and ran off with my girlfri….
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*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.