Her: Who ate all the ice cream?
Me: *blaming the dog* Reese
Her: What? How?
Me: Witherspoon
You Might Also Like
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I like how impressionistic the French language is. You only have to pronounce half of the letters then you just think about the rest.
Interviewer: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: I don’t know when to quit.
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Me: I quit.
saw a post asking “would you rather wear a fedora every second for the rest of your life, or every beverage you drink for the rest of your life has 2 drops of pee in it” and i thought the answer was obviously pee until i said this out loud to another person and saw their face
me: the most exercise I get is from sex
friend: but you’re so out of shape
*holds a grudge*
Grudge: PUT ME DOWN!
Them: I know you’re shy but I can’t carry the conversation forever.
Me: Oh I’m not shy. I am just hoping you will give up soon.
18 is TOO young to get married!
You can’t even buy booze at 18!
If you can’t buy booze, how the hell are you gonna make a marriage work?!?
[being buried alive]
murderer: *out of breath* how are you eating the dirt so quickly
“Sir, is this gluten free?”
The waiter nods happily
“Great,” I shout as I collect gluten in a giant vat, “I’m building a gluten fort!”
I wish this was real life…
A 12 year old posts a selfie, 37 RTs and 1013 likes.
I post a selfie, I lose 18 followers and my family disowns me.
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Pasta is very hard to eat when you’re a dog. I know this now.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
It’s all fun and games until you have to decide “who eats the last piece of chicken appetizer” at the office dinner.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
“I SWEAR I DON’T KNOW WHERE THEY KEEP THE TREATS, PLEASE, I HAVE A FAMILY”
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
#NoRestForTheWicked
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
Me: Since the kids are spending the night at Grandma’s, we FINALLY have the chance to sleep in.
Smoke alarm battery: Not if I can help it.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
If I’m guilty of anything it’s that I care too much, that and murder
[forest precinct]
DETECTIVE OWL: HOO
BEAR: I dont know
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: I DONT KNOW
DET OWL: HOO
BEAR: OK I DID IT…I ATE GOLDILOCKS!
“Is that on Netflix?” I ask, with no intention of ever watching it
I’d congratulate you on the birth of your first child, but I have 2 of my own so here’s a sympathy card and a case of wine.
Nobody:
Kindergartener learning consonant sounds: F-f-fish starts with F and f-f-frog starts with F too, and my mom says a word that starts with F but it sounds kind of like duck. *pause* I don’t know if I’m supposed to say THAT here.