If you’ve seen one Santa, you’ve seen a mall.
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Me trying on those leggings I bought before the pandemic
Don’t want to get political on here but there’s no such thing as “endless shrimp.” Heads? Tails? Those are two VISIBLE ends THAT WE KNOW OF.
My daughter is celebrating her 17th birthday with her friends at an Italian restaurant. My wife and I discussed what we did with our friends on our 17th and both stories involved alcohol, vomiting, fighting, the police, and drunk driving. I’m so glad my daughter is a square.
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
Nothing makes me feel as dumb as choking on water. Where is it even going? I have one throat and we do this literally 100 times a day. Just go straight down, bro.
If someone ghosts you, respect the dead & never disturb them again.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
“I’ve invented the toaster”
SADISTIC CEO: What number toasts it perfectly?
“2”
SC: ok make it *cries with laughter* make it go up to 8
[when i was a kid]
DAD: remember, if a girl is mean to you, that means she likes you
[today]
MY BOSS: you screwed everything up this week you idiot
ME: sorry, i’m not really looking for a relationship right now
HR: Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Telling my manager I was praying when he caught me sleeping?
HR:
Me: …the pro wrestling match in the cubicle?
HR:
Me: …that whole Flashdance routine at the holiday party?
HR:
Me: Maybe I should just let you tell me.
*Infinite space outside*
A fly: I’m gonna nail this chick’s eardrum!
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
me: so you know when you lie on a resume and then you get the job and you’re just like, “I know how to do literally none of this”?
copilot: you’re leaning on the intercom.
My grandpa once shot a hornet’s nest with a shotgun and had to spend 4 hours hiding under a log until the swarm dissipated. What I’m saying is, I come from a long line of poor decision makers so you can only expect so much
Me: I’d like the French dip
Waiter: Au jus?
Me: No, Catholic
“You’re prettier than I remember, you were SO FAT the last time I saw you!”
TY Uncle Bob, I was 8months pregnant. *spits in his pumpkin pie
Dentist: “And do you floss?”
Me: “Yes!”
My 5yo who had to come to my appointment with me: “No you don’t.”
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
WIFE: omg Will Smith’s son, Jaden, is dead
ME: where’d you see that?
W: Facebook
M: I’m pretty sure that’s a hoax
W: no Facebook is real
Power went out in the house so the family and I sat on the couch and talked.
We learned we actually have stuff in common. Like, we all hate that the power was out.
A customer just told me that it takes a 14 mile run to work off 1 Oreo. Don’t worry she’s dead now
Me with megaphone: “COME DOWN FROM THERE. YOU HAVE SO MUCH TO LIVE FOR.”
Man: “I’m fixing your roof tiles, remember?”
Me: “I FORGOT!”
Physics Teacher: What is
this measurable unit “µ”
called? Student : Torrent
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter
I fear all this talk of llamas & dresses has distracted us from the important fact that there is video of Madonna falling off a stage.
Any dad can be a stepdad if you use him to reach the top shelf
People use the term lab rat pejoratively even though there is probably no finer life than one dedicated to solving puzzles and eating cheeses.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
The grocery store really hates it when you ask to try on the turkeys and shove your fist inside them up to your elbow.