Date: describe yourself to me in three words
Me:
You Might Also Like
I have a pet termite named Clint.
Clint eats wood…
I’m sorry I’m sorry
[Men’s Deodorant Scent]
Pure Swagger for 72 hours Steel Cage Match Wrestling a Half Man Half Crocodile like Creature[Women’s Deodorant Scent]
Lavender
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
If the final comments of your speech last 45 minutes, please don’t preface them with “and lastly”.
Everyone talks about how good car sex is while I’m still over here trying to have sex with a person first.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
Wanted:
Someone to hand feed me Doritos so my fingers don’t get orange.
No weirdos.
If pigs do eventually fly I bet they’ll take off from airporks.
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
Me: [Alone in our kitchen making a sandwich]
My teeanager: Why are you trying to embarrass me?
[first date]
Me: that is hilarious
Date: …
Me: wait, bread or dead?
Date: how would my parents be bread?
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u
my parents support me pursuing comedy but they also think the big bang theory is peak comedy so i might be doomed
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Him: So what do you do?
Me (hoping to save up for some bushes at the edge of my property): I run a hedge fund.
The crows I feed every day attacked a UPS delivery guy that startled me so I guess I now have my own little squad of personal assassins.
Age 20: Gotta get ripped for Spring Break!
Age 25: Exercise reduces stress!
Age 35: My doctor says I’ll die immediately if I don’t do this
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Nothing in the world is more important to a child than seeing what you just showed another adult on your phone.
her: *gets on knees*
me: oh yeah
her: *goes down to all fours*
me: oh yeah
her: *bends over backwards, crawls around the room and screeches praises to The Dark One*
me: oh no
[as one million ants are carrying me out of my bed to toward their cavern to eat me alive] please let me feed my neopets first
*gently places finger on caroler’s lips*
you had me at “O come”
My 5yo asked me if we could go to someone else’s house because he says we go to our house a lot
I need an app that after the third time I press the snooze button, my phone pours cold water on my face.
I was so depressed dat my ATM displayed someone else’s balance to cheer me up
I’m not necessarily saying that my female ancestors escaped shitty marriages with poison but I am saying that I come from a long line of avid gardeners who outlived their husbands by decades.
can’t wait for 65 million years after we’re extinct and whatever race is in charge makes human-shaped chicken nuggets
cool knife. it would look even cooler on my bedroom floor
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to