*bumpes into my ex on the street
*dials a number
Hello, Satan? Dude I thought we had an agreement?!
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Show me a parent who has given 2 choices for dinner & I’ll show you a kid who picks something that wasn’t even an option
when cоvid is over “mask off” will be the #1 song in the world and then we will finally understand why his name is future
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I hate it when all of North America tells me I exaggerate
Neighbour mowed his lawn at 6am… Logic dictates that I should get drunk in the backyard tonight and try to learn to play the didgeridoo.
my friend: [just got fired from his job] what a day
me: [got to the gym and only my left headphone worked] you have no idea
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
the problem with being 39 is i don’t feel old but also everywhere i go plays the music too loud
Hear me out. Shorts, but like for your full leg so they don’t get too cold
Your call is very important to us. So please enjoy this 40 minute flute solo.
My kid is almost old enough for social media so we’ll need to have “the talk” soon. You know, about your/you’re and their/there/they’re.
Most computer problems stem from the lack of a fatherboard.
No? Ok, I’ll show myself out.
Unfortunately most of my sex noises come from trying to get out of bed.
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Saw a UPS guy come out of the forest with a package. Guess a bear does ship in the woods.
WIFE: I’m leaving you
CARL (my personal sound effects guy): *makes sad trombone sound*
ME: Is it because of-
WIFE: yes it’s because of Carl
body: you’re dehydrated
me: I literally just drank a glass
narrator: that was 3 days ago
Annual shout out to my mom, who said she wanted a small filing cabinet for mother’s day when working on her dissertation. My dad got her a microwave. For two weeks she left several manila folders in it and wouldn’t let anyone use it — until my dad procured a filing cabinet.
If I insisted on getting my kids to bed by 7:00 every night, I’d have to start their bedtime routine just after breakfast.
Tremendous stuff
I would like to confirm to the 14yo me that the best thing about being an adult is going to bed when you want.
I’ll omit the bit about it being 7:30pm.
* trimming my toenails
Smartwatch: you are exceeding your usual amount of activity, good job!
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
I was a pacifist until the goddamn rabbits ate my lilies
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I finally found my wife’s hiding spot for the Girl Scout cookies. Turns out they were in the cabinet like she showed me right after we bought them
Going to put on a flowing gown and rush up to hikers in the forest, grab their hands and place a gold ring there before uttering “keep it safe” and running away like I’m being chased
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
I got IDd last night, but as I was rummaging around in my purse for my ID, the dude saw my checkbook and said “nevermind” 😭😒🤣 FIRST OF ALL