Don’t ask a pregnant lady “do you know the sex?” obviously she knows about sex she’s pregnant you stupid idiot
You Might Also Like
She was murdered by the toddler. In the bathroom. With his hundredth question.
-Parent version of Clue
her: i’m having trouble walking after last night
me: well i thought the mattress stair sled would be fun
Do you know that horrible feeling of guilt when you eat all your kids candy?
Me neither.
[recording studio]
80s BAND: *gradually plays instruments quieter and quieter at the end of the song*
PRODUCER: Guys u don’t need to do that
Hobby Lobby and Chick-Fil-A have one thing in common: I never go there.
Dear friend, if you ever feel bad, call me.
I promise to sing for you.
Then you can decide what’s worse.
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
me before coffee: ugh why is everyone shouting
me after coffee: okay yes I do see the fire now
Take your girl camping and your relationship will become more in tents.
Not Sorry.
My dog ran into the sliding glass door and she’s not even drunk. Good luck explaining that to your pals at the park.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
me: [dead in the morgue] *turns fan on for noise*
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
*Flirting before having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of my naked body]*Flirting after having kids*
Me: [sends her pic of our bed with freshly changed sheets]
Why even name your cat, it’s not going to listen to you.
Whomsoever named Big Bird really nailed it.
Cellmate, menacing: what are you in for
Me, thru gritted teeth: breaking the law
[creation of spinach]
God: Make it slimy and gross when they cook it, like seaweed. And it should be dark green, and when they eat it, it sticks in their teeth.
Angel: Is everything okay at home?
Recipes call for an item that isn’t used much and the grocery story only has 40 pound bags of it for $7000.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
Quick question for the medical professionals, should my blood glucose number be higher or lower than the mileage on my 6-year-old car
*at bar*
Guy, “Do you come here often?”
Me, “I’m a 45 yr old mom of 7. The only place I go often is the grocery store.”
Guy, “I’ll just leave you alone then.”
Me, “Was it something I said?”
I bought my daughters two watches for Hanukkah, but one lights up and the other one doesn’t. Please send thoughts and prayers.
Float like a malevolent entity. Sting like a priest throwing holy water at you.
hikers: a yeti oh my god don’t eat us ahhh!
adorable snowman: rawr
hikers: awwww
*starts eating them*
hikers: AWWWW
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.
Just not with each other, obviously.
how do we even know zombies only eat brains? it’s not like anyone has ever tried to offer them a hotdog or something
My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
Just saw a guy sitting with a Blackberry and a newspaper. I think he was waiting for a horse.
[getting murdered]
me: are u Scottish
murderer: yes
me: then u could say i’m being kilt
[murdering intensifies]