I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
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“If you get me to the next station I promise I’ll never let you fall below half a tank again” – A Memoir
“How much plagiarizing gets you arrested?” And other delightful ways my 12yo says goodnight.
When dogs suddenly stop licking themselves and stare into the distance, they’re thinking, “Shit. Did I leave the iron on?”
Me: Is there anyone who is dead to me right now that wants to talk?
Him: I’m right here!
Me, moving planchette across Ouija board: I M S O R R Y
Him: That’s not what I said
Me, moving planchete:
I W A S W R O N G
Me: The enemy launched a missile, sir
Sargeant: What’s the point of impact?
Me: Because otherwise there’s no boom, sir
When I’m guilted into going to a dinner party I didn’t want to, I like to sneak off into the kitchen and slip a few small pieces of LEGO into the pepper grinder that’ll be used at the table. That way dinner is colourful and festive.
Lord of the Rings is wild cuz Gandalf told Frodo he had to go on a super dangerous journey and Frodo was like “ok can I bring my gardener”?
How did they call Deadpool’s dog ‘Dogpool’ when ‘Deadpoodle’ was right there.
mom: brush your teeth and put on your pajamas
me: mom i’m a grown man. i don’t need u telling me how to get ready for story time.
You bring an airhorn *one time* and suddenly you’re banned from bar trivia
[end of date]
Him: I’ll text you soon.
Her: Cool. I’ll just sit here in your car until you do.
Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.
I have a recording saved on my phone that it to be sent to my boss the day after I die. All I say is “So, you aren’t going to believe this but I’m going to be late.”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
They’re a pack of lions
He’s some guy who hates lions
Together, they’re:
PRIDE AND PREJUDICEThis fall on CBS
*holds seashell to ear*
“We’ve been trying to reach you about your car’s extended warranty”
Me: If you pay a mime enough, they’ll talk
The other mimes at the protest: [visibly furious]
Every morning, I jog around my block 15 times. Then I pick the block up and put it back with the rest of it’s little Lego friends.
A pleasant day enough to misarrange slightly some words.
the abolition of the 140 character limit and the advent of threads are responsible for the current state of this website. turned what was mostly cute little quips into constant insufferable bloviating posts like this one
To the person who stole my place in the queue.
I’m after you now.
It doesn’t matter what’s behind you, keep moving forward at your own pace, you’ll get there..
Unless it’s flashing lights behind you ..then floor it and hope they don’t catch up…
Her:[watching sunset]”Best date ever! Nothing can ruin this mo..”
*crunching sounds*
Me:[eating live Monarch butterflies out of a ziplock]
Yep.
I draw tombstones in sand at the beach beside couples who draw hearts and shit.
We don’t need people like that in this world.
landlords: *will ignore you for months about issues in your apartment*
also landlords: your rent was 2.6 milliseconds late
“Ok, identify the noun in this sentence. Timmy is stupid.”
Timmy: stupid?
“Exactly”
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
FACT: Carrots may be good for your eyes but alcohol will double your vision.