#YouHadOneJob #SuperBowlXLIX
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I love sundress season, the way they occasionally and oh so tantalisingly waft up, revealing the treasures hidden beneath. But yes officer, I promise to wear underwear in future.
Our “safe place” during a tornado is a bathroom in the center of our house.
Kids in the tub, me sitting on the toilet, my husband and my ex-husband who had stopped by just before the tornado, all crammed into this tiny space.
Ex-husband: I really hope this isn’t the way I go.
I saw Jesus trending and my heart dropped. My first thought was ‘damn you 2016!’ but then i realized it was just his birthday.
Someone please recommend a self-help book that can teach me how to sleep through an alarm.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
I withdraw my argument. I didn’t realise you had a meme to back you up.
You don’t scare me, you’re not my trimmer with the bent teeth that someone dropped
cost of the ice cream my kid threw a tantrum in the grocery store to get: $5
the look on his face when I ate it for dinner: priceless
Me: I got bitten on my walk by a Great Dane
Her: My God – imagine if it had been a small child
Me: I could have fought off a small child, Alice
Me:*pulls out salad for lunch
Coworker: *pulls out 6 boxes of girl scout cookies & nods at me
Me: *tosses salad in fridge
CW: Let’s do this.
Am I…are we… is this a date? *elevator opens & he leaves*
2032:: Scientists force bees and birds to mate, just for kicks.
2033: The Bumblehawks reign supreme.
Slave: I know a way to escape
Hipster slave: My friend Harriet has a better way. You probably haven’t heard of it. It’s really underground.
I was going to eat a salad today, but then I remembered I’m not a rabbit.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
The only thing I know about Downton Abbey is that everyone looks as if they smell like the bottom of my Nana’s purse.
Darth Vader: *chops of Luke’s hand* You underestimated what I’d do if you touched the thermostat!
Luke: Wait, you’re my dad?
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
Playing dead will not discourage an attacking vulture.
Hey m&m’s, I’ll be the judge if this bag is shareable or not.
“You drive, I’m tired.”
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
For sale: chocolate aeroplane, mint condition.
When someone says “No Biggie”, I reply with “not since ‘97” and immediately break down crying
Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
I’ve asked a few people now what IDGAF stands for and I can’t say anyone’s replies have been that helpful.
How do mathematicians plot their leg day workouts?
With quad-ratic equations.
Cheerleaders are there to tell you that your team needs to score more points & the name of your team in case you forget at any given moment