Me: My dog has gone missing
Dog pound: What colour is it?
Me: Brown
Dog pound: Sex?
Me [turns to wife]: Has the dog lost his virginity?
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He’s all “I’m totally a normal guy”
But then “I eat raw radishes all the time”
Make up your mind dude.
My two favorite things about Easter morning are (1) hiding the eggs and (2) the looks on my kids’ faces when the snakes start to hatch.
I picked up 13 from a function tonight and he brought back a whole pizza left over. I ate a slice on the way home. Then I realized oh shit I’m 40 and oh shit it’s 9pm.
NASA faked the cow jumping over the moon.
Who’s this, “Chris Moss,” everyone keeps telling me to marry today? Chris better be short for Christine, or something.
Doctor: I want you to take it easy on your joints from now on.
Me: ok
(later at home)
Me, talking to my blunt: I’m sorry I called you fat.
This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Being held for questioning sounds more romantic than it is
Got kicked out of the grocery store again for reenacting the pottery scene from Ghost with a wheel of cheese.
I dunno, maybe stop playing “Unchained Melody” on the loud speaker and we won’t keep having this problem
[having sex]
Her: HARDER!
ME: Divide 110 into two parts so that one will be 150% of the other. What are the 2 numbers?
Her: 44&66 HARDER!
Just saw a rainbow………great now the sky is gay
You going to eat those sausages?
– What?
The encased meats. Do you want them?
– Those are my fingers.
Oh, no thanks, I’m not there yet.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
*hires skywriter
Will you take me back if I stop wasting our money on frivolous things?
ATTN: @MikeBloomberg. Your campaign is clearly struggling. Hire me to write jokes for you. Here’s a sample: “Bernie Sanders is so old that the first time he ran for president the election got hacked by PRUSSIA!”
6-year-old: I can add AND subtract by hundreds.
Me: That’s pretty impressive.
6: Let me know if you need my help.
Me: Don’t forget we’re wearing matching costumes for Halloween.
Husband: Great! What should we be?
Me: I meant me and the dog.
Husband: Of course you did.
Soccer was only invented to sell more yellow cards.
My 6yr old had a wipe out and upon assessing a minor scrape said “this is going to make it hard for me to walk since I’m right kneed.”
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
If I could ask God for one thing, it would probably be power equal to or greater than his own.
Look on the bright side, parents. At least you have an excuse not to take your kid to Chuck E. Cheese’s now.
me: please don’t be mad
getaway driver: what’s wrong
me(left the money in the bank): nothing let’s go
🤣🤣
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
it was hard being a teenager with the last name لزيق i mean stalk one guy and you’re لزيقة for the next three years
Five Guys: that’ll be $75
Me: [just won the lottery] put another guy in there