Him: I got in a fender bender, coming out of the grocery store.
Me: Everything’s intact?
Him: I’m fi…
Me: Chips, cookies, stuff like that?
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I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
I sold the armchair I had in my room and now I have nowhere to put my clean laundry and stare at it for 8 days??
Magic words that make my children disappear:
3) Bath time
2) Who did this?!
1) When I was your age…
Birth certificates need a popup dialog box: “Are you SURE you want to spell your kid’s name that way?”
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
How many followers do I need more before I start tweeting quotes from Shakespeare and Mark Twain as my own?
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Kids are fun if you enjoy saying things like, “read the room,” only to have someone start reading literally everything there is to read in said room, out loud.
Well well well. If it isn’t my old nemesis, 2:34AM.
And I see you brought your little sidekick, Parade of Humiliating Moments.
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
Her: What do you like about me?
Me: Your crippling self esteem issues have caused you to lower your standards.
Her: What?
Me: Your eyes
The year is 2316. Humans have 12ft long arms from centuries of taking selfies.
Me not wearing a bra is apparently a bat signal for anyone in the neighborhood who might need to come to my door for any reason .
Thank you Saran Wrap for so many years of not even remotely doing what I want.
[at the salad bar]
Me: [gets one piece of lettuce]
[adds cottage cheese]
[adds more cottage cheese]
[adds even more cottage cheese]
[throws a $100 bill at the cashier and leaves with salad on a forklift]
HE DRINKS A WHISKEY DRINK
HE DRINKS A VODKA DRINK
HE DRINKS A LAGER DRINK
HE DRINKS A CIDER DRINK
HE SINGS THE SONGS THAT REMIND HIM OF THE GOOD TIMES
HE TELLS HIS DOCTOR THAT HE ONLY DRINKS LIKE MAYBE ONCE OR TWICE A WEEK HONESTLY ITS JUST KIND OF A SOCIAL THING
OHHHHHHHH
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
I see you people drinking from your water bottles without spilling or choking, flaunting your superiority in our faces like that
In medieval times, infant mortality was so high that parents would often avoid posting pregnancy pics on Facebook until the 3rd trimester.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Hotel clerk: Sir, how many room keys would you like?
Me: 37
felt cute might bury dad later idk
Watching cartoons with my son is awesome except for all the commercials & now his Christmas list has 26,724 things on it. Shit.
Learn how to read a book again simply by sticking a twitter Avi alongside every paragraph…….
{Very hip bar at which I don’t want to be}
ME: Can I have a, *sigh* deconstructed vodka?BARTENDER: *Hands me a potato and charcoal* $43.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
This bitch wants me to take her to dinner at an expensive restaurant. Like I’m not trying to save up for a Nerf Gun or anything.
Ethan Hunt: let’s all sync our watches.
Me: *throws watch into river*
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on