Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
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Me in my 20’s: what’s a hangover?
Me in my 40’s: it was 1 drink, 3 weeks ago, when will this end?
*seductively unhooks bra, & two cheese balls fall out*
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
*opens facebook messenger*
*sips mtn dew twice*
*strokes neckbeard*
*begins typing*
Sorry abt ur mom dying
Tis a shame
Btw ur attractive
ALBUS: Got Dementors to protect Hogwarts this year. They suck souls out! Indiscriminately!
KIDS: …
STAFF: …
ALBUS: I can’t control them.
Why should I have to stop talking about my ex, a relationship that ended a mere year ago, when Hollywood won’t stop making movies about world war 2, a war that ended like 20 years ago?
Let’s be honest: The documentary they were making before the Blair Witch killed them would have sucked
Army ants must REALLY hate boot camp.
Me: We’re well stocked with the necessities, let’s not waste food
What my kids hear: Yayy let’s eat, every hour, like it’s a cruise buffet
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
My 5 year old took a single bite out of 10 mini croissants. His older brother denied he had anything to do with it. Under questioning, we found out his older brother simply said, “Wouldn’t it be funny if you took a bite out of all these?”
Let’s all stand up against iron deficiency (but not too fast).
Parenting is a lot like a Tarantino film. Lot of questions and violent screaming.
[first date]
“So… you didn’t mention that you’re trapped in 230 million year old amber.”
[my motionless eyes glint within my golden shell]
Eating Tums is just sage-burning for your intestines.
[Brings date home]
O geez did I leave all my rare, holographic Pokemon cards out on my bed again? Guess we’ll just have to lay here & battle
At Walmart during the holidays like..
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
Establish dominance at your wedding by saying “You’ll do” instead of “I do.”
My wife tried imitating the weird groaning sound her car is making, and all three auto mechanics asked her out.
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Throwing a spear at your enemy is a bad gamble. If you miss you have no spear now and he’s just fine. He’s better than fine; now he has a spear.
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
CASHIER: what, no tip?
ME: here’s a tip: always wear a seat belt
CASHIER: no, i meant money
ME: oh sorry. invest in a 401(k)
If your best clothes proudly advertise Monster Energy Drink, you can’t be left alone with your best looking cousin.
What the hell happened here.
Dickens: It was the best of times, it was the worst of times
Schrödinger: Nice, nice
*shaking fist, cursing my blood enemies* May it rain hard on your school poster project due date. And…and…May your magic marker block letters run!
The Gym is like Church. Everybody thinks that by going one hour, one day, they’ll erase what they did during the week.