If you hear your toddler in the other room saying “I got this, I got this”
Go to him FAST for he does not actually got this
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After dating me for a month and telling me he’s in danger and needs money, the tinder swindler would’ve been shocked when I said “that’s crazy, what you gonna do?”
my wife wants to take the kids out which would be great except she wants me to go too
Canada has Nova Scotia but won’t tell us what happened to Scotia. What are they hiding?
snake: i’m poisonous, you better not upset me
me: ACTUALLY you being poisonous isn’t much of a concern to me! If you were venomous however—
snake: *biting my neck repeatedly*
People on here admitted to not having an inner monologue and I thought that was wild because I have an entire executive board in my head with members that have voting powers
I’m working on inventing an electronic Ouija board so that I can keep tweeting after I die.
“Have them press 1 again.”
“Good.”
“Now, 3 minutes of silence.”
“Are they still there?”
“Give them 18 minutes of pan flute.”– Call Center Training
day 9 in quarantine: On my way to working from home
When I saw her eating a whole chicken like it was corn on the cob, I knew she was the one for me.
I don’t want to say that my fiancé is controlling.. it’s more that she’s BEAUTIFUL GUYS I HAVE TO GO
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
There’s a reason we say cheese and not salad when we have to smile for a photo.
If I go to your funeral I’m going to stand there holding an opened umbrella during the service no matter what
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
Me [drunk]: gimme a bloody mary
Employee: sir, this is a haunted house
Me: m’bad. Gimme a bloody mary bloody mary bloody mary
“Alex is visiting later tonight.”
Alex from work or Alex the astronaut with amazing hearing?
[From the moon] It’s not me, Thelma. Hi Bob.
I’m still writing “Slovakia” on all my Czechs.
(you can unfollow me at anytime)
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
Me: Sometimes I wonder if people don’t like me
Therapist: That’s where I can help
Me: Great
Therapist: They don’t
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I used to care passionately about so many things. Now, there is only cheese and cookies.
Me: Hi, I’d like to make an appointment for a bath.
Petsmart employee: Sure, what’s your dog’s name?
Me: Dog?
Fact: kangaroos will carry their children in their pouches until the kids demand to be dropped off a block before their destination so as not to be embarrassed in front of their friends.
Only love will set you free, and bolt cutters. Bolt cutters will do it
FACT: When a dog barks at you, it’s actually their skeleton barking.
PROOF: I have never seen a dog without a skeleton bark.
Any time I see a couple jogging together, I try to figure out which one of them is unhappy about it.
(first week into weight watchers)
You think I can get an advance on next week’s calories?
Cats (2019)
There’s something I want to tell you
*goes down on one knee*
*girl puts her hands on her chest*
I can tie my shoelaces without looking.
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.