I’m having an out of money experience.
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Wife: Are you ever gonna use that workout DVD I got you?
Me: *defensively* I have been using-
Wife: Not as a coaster
Me: *sipping beverage* This is a sports drink
I like to say “Have a great day” before the cashier has a chance to. Power move.
I don’t trust any company that has a commercial with happy employees in it.
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
*stares into the abyss
The Abyss: Okay you’re kind of freaking me out.
I caved and put on a movie for my kid and her playdate but told her in this house we call movies “arts and crafts” in case her parents ask what she did here.
Cop: Are you drunk or high on drugs? Me: No officer. Cop: Your pupils are dilated. Me: (Paranoid) WHA!, how’d you know I teach fat kids?!
My wife is the most beautiful, intelligent person standing right behind me reading my Twitter feed.
I enjoy blaming everything on the time change for the next month. Tired? Time change. Hungry for dinner early? Time change. Ran late for something? Time change. Punched a guy in the face because he’s annoying me? Time change. Left my kids at the goodwill donation drop off? Time change.
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
“Everyone give us money in case something happens and when something happens we’ll call you a liar.”
-insurance
Is Craigslist still around, or did everyone over there get murdered?
I bought my mother-in-law a pair of ankle weights for her workouts. She’s proven to be a much stronger swimmer than I’d imagined.
My milk is on 2%. Time to charge the battery
“I have toddler-like reflexes.”
“Don’t you mean cat-like–?”
*laughs, cries, falls on face, eats Cheerio off the floor*
“No.”
The six year old has started saying “wanna hear a joke” and then reciting various compound words like “watermelon. water. melon. GET IT?!” and i always laugh but just between you and me i don’t get it
With sufficient velocity, any object can be an effective weapon. Unfortunately this kitten is not cooperating.
I’ve lived my life according to one basic principle
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
As I drove into the cemetery, the GPS announced I had reached my final destination.
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
Gorilla: so I’m 500 pounds.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I have no natural predators.
God: yes.
Gorilla: I literally live here.
God: yes.
Gorilla: and I’m not the King of the Jungle?
God: exactly.
Gorilla: who is?
God: it’s kind of hard to explain-
Lion: did you tell him yet?
Hey doofus, the fashion police called.
Your father died last night on duty.
He wanted you to have this.
“Slim fitting houndstooth peacoat*
Be the change you want to see in the world!
Me: *goes back to bed
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
[a doomsday prepper whose rations from Y2K just ran out today emerging from his shelter] hey everyone hows it going
{Me as a therapist}
HIM: Women don’t like me.
ME: Have you tried becoming a dress with pockets?
*first day in a Vegas poker tournament
Me: I’m all in
Host: Sir, this is the buffet