If Frodo heads towards Mordor at 5 km/h and Aragorn heads towards Mordor at 7 km/h, how long until my friends come back?
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employer: if you’re sick don’t come to work so you don’t spread the germs!
employee: i’m sick
employer: how sick?
*replaces birthday candles with flamethrowers for fun*
*wakes up in Emergency*
Reasons my 3 y/o cried last week:
-I filled up his water bottle to high
-My wife took a shower
-Our dog walked out of the room
-His brother went down for his nap
-I didn’t sit on the couch in the exact spot he wanted me too.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
I’m sad… I’m gonna eat some feelings.
*6 hours later*
S.W.A.T. Leader: Sir, she’s eaten the feelings of the entire team! She… *static*
If you wrap yourself up in a blanket, you can show up to work late and say you were just rescued by the Coast Guard.
I signed up to bring fruit for my toddler’s holiday party at daycare. It turns out the class’s favorite fruit is blueberries which need to be cut into quarters, and I should have signed up to bring cookies.
Went onto the patio and found out that my daughter is in the process of making fake dog doo with insulating foam sealant. Do I ask or just let nature take its course? #QuarantineCrafts
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
BREAKING: The state of Virginia JUST ANNOUNCED Taco Tuesday
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
Someone in the office sneezed so instead of saying “bless you” I looked them dead in the eyes and sprayed a can of Lysol.
Happiness is…
finding your drunk uncle’s change in the couch cushions after he leaves.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you
Me: is it because make up phrases
Girlfriend: yes
Me: well the spider didn’t warm the egg for it just to hatch
Girlfriend: I have no idea what you’re talking about
never forget
I tried using that face app which makes people look old, and apparently it’s called a mirror.
I’m implementing a new policy in my house: any child who is awake past bedtime can either go to sleep or clean the oven, no exceptions
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Me: Show me a pan that didn’t get clean the first time and I will show you a pan that needs to soak..
Wife: STOP TWEETING AND WASH THE PAN!
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
you know, nobody ever talks about Pennywise’s estranged brother Nickelstupid
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
Nahh the delivery driver definitely knew it was Kai and purposely put the food that high 😭😭
If you give me another chance, I just know I can make things worse.
They say “Liar, Liar, Pants on Fire” but what happens if you tell a lie with no pants on?
Quarantine Day 26
Puts pictures of mom all around the house and runs with scissors laughing maniacally
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue
You mean I spent 9 months making this small human just so she can eat all the good snacks?
[baby wakes up in the middle night]
“Go back to sleep, hun. I’ll sort it out.”
[puts baby on eBay]