Anyone can be a sword swallower at least one time
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If someone challenged me to a pie fight, I’d 100% choose the apple pie in the freezer.
Why would I buy a pumpkin at the store for $5 when I can drive 30 miles & pay to make my kids walk through a field to pick our own for $27.
When I was kidnapped, my parents snapped into action. They rented out my room.
the name “alvin and the chipmunks” implies that while simon and theodore are chipmunks, alvin himself is something else, something far more sinister
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
Back seat drivers are all the same..
“Why we going into the woods?” “Let me out”
So much focus on the gold silver and bronze! What about the fourth place finisher? Sorry about that 1/200th of a second. Here’s a cheese sandwich.
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
Me: I’m smart!
Also me: That is the weirdest looking otter I’ve ever seen!
Hubs: That’s because it’s a seal
That moment when Exam Invigilator looks at your answer sheet and address whole class
“Students, please make sure that you are reading the questions carefully”
Me: Our neighbor died last night
Him: Who, Ray?
Me: My God honey, I know you didn’t like him but it’s not something to celebrate
Having an Internet girlfriend is easier than having a real girlfriend because I don’t have to suck my gut in.
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
My wife is still mad about the time I seductively went under the covers…slid off the end of the bed…and then army crawled out of the bedroom.
My husband thinks he can just order me around like he’s one of the cats.
5yo: I’m physically capable of the task you’re asking me to do and have done it many times, but I’ll ask for “help,” by which I mean you do it for me.
2yo: I am physically incapable of the task I want to do, but if you try to help in any way, I’ll become an inferno of screams.
My TC has found the love of her life. Her husband disagrees but her boyfriend is happy. I am so conflicted right now 😭
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.
[DATE]
ME: I’m a literature buff
HER: who do you read?
ME: read?
*cut to me bench pressing like 70 copies of The Great Gatsby*
Me: Want a back rub?
Wife: It depends
Me: On what?
Wife: Have you been watching pimple popping videos again?
Me:
Wife: No. The answer is no.
Kids are so cute how they use every single glass you own and then make you search for them around the house like an Easter egg hunt from hell.
[getting completely dominated in a street fight]
ME: damn this toddler plays by her own rules
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
INVENTOR OF CRUNCHY PEANUT BUTTER: *stops smashing peanuts* Well that’s enough of that I think
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff