Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
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make your life more efficient by cutting out the middle man. quit your job. kill your friends. throw your food directly into the toilet.
When someone says we can do something “weather permitting” I remind them that weather’s not the boss of me. Snow or no snow, I’m not going.
Parenting is all about multitasking. Like trying to brush your teeth while you’re rock climbing.
banana bread: bc I’ve got almost $0.08 worth of rotting bananas I don’t want to waste, so I’m going to use $10 of other ingredients
The moment you throw a piece of boiling spaghetti on your wall, to see if it sticks,
is the moment you realise, random spaghetti boiling advice is radommnly valid
Me to my husband: Would you like to bring a third into our love making? [my googly eyed hand puppet slides into view]
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
Me: I’ve lost the dictionary
Her: Can you look upstairs?
Me: I can’t look up anything
black friday is crazy, I just maced a kid then some old woman shot me with a crossbow
Did you ever wonder what happened to He-Man to make him get bangs?
cashier: alright, you have a good day now!
me (offended, grabbing my 2 40s & box of donuts): I’ll do nothing of the sort
Him: Are you free later?
Me: Nah, baby. I’m more expensive later.
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
the human has made quite the sandwich for lunch. but when i placed my chin on their knee. and looked up at them softly. they only offered me. a piece of lettuce. nobody talk to me. for the rest of the day
Beyonce: ‘Who run the world?’ Generally people who have at least a basic understanding of grammar.
I’m giving a best man speech at my brother’s third wedding, and I’m going to open with “hi, it’s me again.”
*Do you wish to send?
*Are you sure?
*For real?
*Have you been drinking?
*Really?
*What time is it?~How my send button should function
My 7yo has three aunts. He calls them Auntie Ice Cream, Auntie Lego, and Auntie Pam. Time to step up your auntie game, Pam.
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
No one has ever had more confidence in me than the waiter who just gave me one napkin with my lunch
Me: I want cozy pajama pants for Christmas.
Him: I was gonna get lingerie.
Me: Trust me. VS won’t have your size.
Him:
Me: *jazz hands*
I have almost 120,000 miles on my office chair.
Someday archeologists are going to dig up Disney World and think that it was some type of bizarre mouse worshipping kingdom.
me: everything is the same, but when the bread is done it pops out a little more so that you can grab it without burning your hand
toaster company ceo: I still don’t get it
ME: I need a new phone, this one got wet
VERIZON: How’d you get it wet
ME: I talked dirty to it
HIM: ……
ME: Water asshole. How else?
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
HELLO POLICE, MY SON JUST TAUGHT CUT TO A LEGENDARY POKEMON I WANT HIM TRIED AS AN ADULT
Some of my co-workers want to go hang out tonight. Trying to figure how to fake my death and still make it into work tomorrow.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no