Me: I gotta find a purpose in life.
Later:
Blowing a feather trying to keep it in air
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If I was speaking a foreign language on Game of Thrones, I’d throw a couple of “yabba dabba do’s” in there to see if anyone notices.
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
*At a restaurant, 3yo not sitting still*
Aunt Lisa: What’s wrong, dude, do you have ants in your pants?
3: *Looks stunned, drops pants*. Can you get them out?!
Parents, let this be a reminder that young kids will take 99.9% of what you say literally.
Murderer: what’s wrong?
Me: it really hurts
Murderer: oh sorry
*stabbing softens*
you don’t need to go to a workshop to build a bear, most of the time you don’t even need to build a bear.
Me: Alexa, who would you rather marry, Siri or Cortana?
A: I’m an AI, monogamous relationships are irrelevant
M: Oh you naughty minx!
The last 60+ Miss Universe pageant winners have been from earth I don’t know man, seems fixed.
chumbawumba: i get knocked down, but i get up again
jesus: ok yes
My husband disappears when I’m angry at him. I haven’t seen him since 2015.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
When my first baby was born, we didn’t have smart phones to look at while cradling a baby so she stays sleeps, so I had to balance a hard backed library book without dropping it on her head which is no easy feat I tell ya.
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
College is expensive, BUT your student ID saves $3 at the movies. So really it pays for itself if you go to the theater 30,000 times.
[radioshack meeting]
employee: sir, overall sales are really low.
CEO: when did we start selling overalls, bro?
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
Many people are shocked when they find out I’m not a good electrician.
Don’t you dare look at me with that come hither stare; I haven’t hithered in years.
[waiting for date to get ready]
“im almost done”
no rush I’ll just play with the cat
“I don’t have a cat”
[opening a cat carrier] oh I know
*at adoption center*
“Okay yeah they’re all great and all, but which one is the most photogenic for Facebook and stuff like that”
This is going to be my year.
WebMD: paranoid schizophrenia
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
Using magic to hide the Hogwart’s train was also platform manipulation, where tf Dumbledore’s suspension
You wash your hands more now, sure, but it’s still been a year since you’ve cleaned your microwave.
The term “baby steps” is so offensive to babies. If you’re a baby, taking a step is the most impressive thing you’ve ever done.
Wife: ugh I can’t remember my dream from last night
Me: I taught the dog karate and how to speak
Wife: what no that wasn’t it
Dog *chops wood in half* wasn’t what