Jesus: One among you will betray me.
John: No way dude.
Matthew: No way dude.
Judas: *thumbing through designer cross catalogue* Plausible.
You Might Also Like
Still haven’t given up on the dream of finding a suitcase full of money on the side of the road.
Two rotisserie chickens.
One for chicken noodle soup and the other as a backup for when you eat the one you wanted to put into the soup.
Deleting my dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (I’m sitting in my living room, he’s a large jug of red juice that bursts through the side of my wall)
Oh wow, she’s so whimsical and fun. Ope, I’m wrong. She’s just plastered in the middle of the day.
Sometimes I don’t put my glasses on for the first hour of the day bc I’m not ready to see what’s coming
I get naked from the waist down before getting in the pool, because it’s gross to pee in your bikini.
Imagine an octopus mother trying to get her octopus kid ready for school but she can only find seven shoes
*KFC*
Me: how tender is the chicken?
Employee: [points to chicken crying watching the notebook]
receptionists will look u straight in the eye and ask if ur available in 5 months and 18 days
Sorry for releasing thousands of shrieking bats at your wedding. Sometimes I don’t know what to do with my hands.
“This certificate shows i named a star after you.”
“Thank you, I also got you nothing.”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Google search history:
•Gloves keep growing on tree?
•How do I get hand in tight gloves?
•Can gloves piss/bite?
•What is a squirrel?
Searching for stuff on the internet when you’re drunk is called Beer Googles.
WIFE: Please take the trash out
ME: Ok
*later that night*
ME: I’m having a nice time
TRASH: Wow, the food here is spicy AF
He said ‘send nudes’ and my first thought was ‘ugh, I just sat down.’
me: dating is hard, lot of weirdos out there
me on a date: you need three people to have a true staring contest with a hammerhead shark
[first day as magician]
Me: *pulls rabbi out of hat* Sorry, forgot my tea this morning
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
When you think about it, the little old man behind the curtain in Oz was the original catfish.
Captain Crunch is basically an exfoliator for your mouth
The difference between HOA & HORTA is one’s a lava monster that will melt your face & the other’s from Star Trek.
DO NOT be afraid to criticize the founder of Twitter @jack.
He just gave the greenlight to fascists like Alex Jones who attack the parents of murdered children.
THIS.
MOTHER.
FUCKER.
DOES.
NOT.
CARE.
HE. MUST. BE. FIRED.
Be brave. Retweet if you agree he must be fired!
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
Please don’t put a coin on my mouth when I die; I plan to wander the shores of the River Styx for 100 years & finally get that bikini body.
mmm onion ringos
*asks family what they want from the grocery, no one says a word*
{in checkout lane}
*receives 4 separate food request texts from family*
Dodo, a bird, an extinct bird
Ray, a pancake from the sea
May, a fly that lives one day
Fox, tells lies on my TV
[ cooking class ]
teacher: first, we’re going to sweat the onions
me: *uncomfortably close to cutting board* where were you on the night of june 22nd
At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?