Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
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Parents, talk with your children about the importance of saving frequently so they won’t have to restart at the beginning of the level.
Quick shout-out to @funTweeters. The “aggregators” and “parodies” could learn a thing or two from this account. It’s aggregation done right.
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
asking my dentist if i can just drop my teeth off and pick them up when they’re ready
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
Ugh
One day I’m probably going to be too lazy to breathe and just die.
[date]
bobby: so what do you do
janet: i’m a beekeeper
oy: hey give those ack
Me: You want some cereal?
2 year-old: Yay cereal!
Me: Want some Cinnamon Toast Crunch?
2: Yay cinnamon crack!
Me: Ok-wait, what??
Just go ahead and put “She always had to pee” on my tombstone, because that’s how everyone’s going to remember me.
Apparently coming to the Easter egg hunt dressed like the playboy bunny was not appropriate.
Me: The 10yo asked for a sip of my beer!
Wife: I hope you told him why he can’t have any
Me: Yes! Because it’s mine
Wife: Because of the alc
Me: Because of the alcohol
My wife asked me to get the house ready as her friend is sleeping here tonight so as an optimist our bed now has 3 pillows.
Do you know what I’ve learned after 59 years of living on this planet?
Your culinary experience improves once you realize your smoke alarm isn’t a cooking timer.
Tomorrow I think I’ll just walk around restaurants with a clipboard shaking my head & hope they bribe me with free food.
WIFE: How could you spend our money on this?
ME: *Dressing ducklings in tiny raincoats* They live outside, Karen. They need this.
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along; my mother was a can of diet Fresca.
You’ve gotta love the fact someone’s taken the time to do this
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
Fitness friend: Do you know what you’re putting in your body?
*flashes back to ex
*shudders
boss: your coworker is concerned you don’t like them
me: oh, I don’t.
boss:
me: anything else?
I’m sorry but divorce stories aren’t specific enough. If I sat through 3 slideshows of your wedding shoes I want details. How long did he let that saucepan “soak”.
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Negotiator: I need proof of life.
Kidnapper: *motions phone to me* They want confirmation you’re alive.
Me: *sighs* Does it count if I’m dead inside?
Negotiator: Um, this is really embarrassing, but the family changes their mind. Good luck.
The dogs are drawn by their screams.