You make a compelling argument, Morty.
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Every. Damn. Time.
For as long as that song was, you’d think the Ghost Busters would have mentioned their phone number at least once…
My 9 year old went to bed annoyed with me because he said there’s a glacier in Venezuela and I laughed, said ok buddy are there polar bears too do they have a white Christmas get some sleep.
Just so you know, the glacier’s name is Humboldt.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
FRIEND: Did you hear there is some guy on the loose stealing puppies?
ME: That’s terrible!
*my backpack starts barking*
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
Dean Martin: Oh, the weather outside is frightful.
The weather: *reads my credit card bill*
You think you have a pretty strong marriage until you try to help your 5th grader with her math homework together.
Plastic surgeon: You’re here about a nose job?
Me: Um…
PS: Oh sorry. Your eye bags then?
Me: My —
PS: Tummy tuck?
Me: (looking down)
PS: Breast augmentation?
Me: What’s wrong with my —
PS: <sigh> What brings you in today?
Me: (bursts into tears)
I had a scary nightmare where all the people I muted and blocked hid all my wife’s cosmetics to get me in trouble.
Detective: ok forensics is finished. I’ll start here and you-
Dog cop: I’ll mark our territory
[dog cop pees around the crime scene tape]
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
My kids still haven’t started school yet and I can’t wait to get them out of my house I mean get their education started.
I just saw a poster that said “have you seen this man?” With a number to call… So I called the number and told them “No.”
My “friend” Adam gave me an electric toothbrush for my birthday. Completely unnecessary. My gas-powered toothbrush still runs fine, “Adam.”
Nobody:
Your Mom: You remember my friend Carol? Well her daughter’s coworker is having a baby.
WELL WELL WELL, if it isn’t the lady who’s baby I stole.
I don’t throw gang signs. I’m Scottish. I throw bricks 🙂
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
Petition to bring back payphones in public places. I don’t want to give my kid a phone, I want to give him a quarter.
they should invent a romcom where no one has to overhear anything that leads to a huge unnecessary misunderstanding
The only way I’d get within six feet of some people is if I’m standing on their grave.
Me: *opening trunk*
Tied up Guy: ope
Me: omg this isn’t my car
Tied up Guy:
Me: I’m one row over this is so embarrassing
Tied up Guy: happens to everyone
Me: *closing trunk* ugh I’m so sorry
Gonna create a dating app for dentists called Cavity Search
Getting married soon just need a spouse
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
Pacman: I feel like a woman trapped in a man’s body! I want the procedure, doc.
Dr.: Very well. Just relax..
*puts bow on Pacman’s head
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
“And the award for Most British Name goes to…”
*Benedict Cumberbatch takes a sip of gin with his eyes closed*
“Helena Bonha-”
*spews*