I failed art in middle school on purpose just so my report card would say “F-Art” and if that dedication to a vision isn’t worthy of an A+ in art I don’t know what is.
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Me: I’m an expert at identifying birds
Her: OK, what about those ones flying over that tree?
Me: Yup, they’re all birds
What has three thumbs and just won the lottery?
THIS GUY!
* having won the lottery, I was able to add that third thumb I’ve always wanted
Shoutout to the toothpaste stain on my shirt for making it appear that I had a WAY better time this morning than I actually did.
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?
“tHaNkS fOr YoUr pAyMeNt!”
Shut up. I paid that bill against my will.
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Whenever a tweet doesn’t do well initially I think “weird, every single person on the internet must be busy right now”
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
The only thing more satisfying than doing big yard projects yourself is paying someone to do it while you occasionally watch out the window.
My 10YO was trying to play her recorder louder than my 6YO was screeching at her to stop playing the recorder.
My 8YO: So, mom, who would you say is your favorite kid?
scrabbled eggs
THEM: where are you from
ME: canada
THEM: no, where are you FROM from
ME: ooohh…! canada
THEM: no, like what’s your background
ME: oooh…!
[shows them my phone background]
Films whose titles give away the ending:
• Sole Survivor
• Drag Me To Hell
• Saving Private Ryan
• Death of a Salesman
• Bruce Willis is A Ghost
[Zoo, bird show]
“Millions of years of evolution have made these ancient raptors into graceful sky gods.”
*bird headbutts window 50 times*
INTERVIEWER: You worked in a NASCAR pit crew? How does that qualify you to work here at the Men’s Wearhou
*I’ve already changed his pants*
Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.
Being good at customer service is essentially jingling keys in the face of adults.
If society ever starts using cat puke as currency, I’m set.
Me: what is my final challenge
*dragon appears*
Me: oh no
Dragon: spell necessary
Me: OH NO
I accidentally took a woman’s multi-vitamin this morning. I have been trying to get dressed now for 2 hours but everything makes me look fat
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
Her: I like the man-horsey in this film. He’s hot.
Me: Centaur.
H: What?
M: Centaur
H: Is that his name?
M: I want a divorce.
Soooo….. This what yall be doing huh🤣 🤣
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Does anyone know how the lady reacted when Van Gogh gave her his ear? Was it positive? Cause I’m running out of ideas for gifts.
“Just circling back on this.”
“Take another lap.”
Lifeguard is the weirdest job. Like hey, you’re 16 years old, make sure no one dies.