The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
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Don’t be that guy that tells people not to be “that guy.”
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
The spider that keeps building a web across my bedroom door.
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
The fact that ‘head and shoulders’ doesn’t have a body wash called knees and toes is as much as a disappointment to me, as I am in myself, for writing this Tweet.
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
A turn signal, but if you use it, your car catches on fire
~ the guy in front of me, apparently
*gazing at the ocean*
God: I told you NOT to leave the water on while we were on vacation.
Angel: I’m sorr-
God: SORRY DOESN’T FIX THIS MESS
The way I dealt with that unexpected cobweb to the face tells me I probably wouldn’t have been much use in Vietnam.
taking my contact lenses out and putting each in their own little soup for the night
I told my husband no less than thrice not to get red delicious apples because they are not, in fact, delicious, so you all know what he came home with
an ear doctor’s practice called “hear, here” somebody write that down
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition
My spirit animal is this kid at my son’s football practice that just stands and cries every time he’s told he has to run
He was a skater boy, half shark/alligator boy
-Dr. Octavril Lavigne
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
[velociraptor sneaks up on me as I aim my gun]
me: clever girl
velociraptor: what
me: …clever girl
velociraptor: I’m 26
me: sorry I-
velociraptor: looks like I’m not the only dinosaur here
You hit a couple of curbs, take out a trash can and all of a sudden it’s “you can’t drive”.
Sometimes at the gym I’ll struggle and make all kinds of awkward grunting sounds, but eventually I’ll get my shorts on.
Before you try to convince me that people aren’t really all that dumb let me point out that TikTok has a “no filter” filter
Me: “Come on, what’s the worst that could happen?”
My Brain: “Let’s start an alphabetized list categorized by subject and severity, and when we run out of letters we’ll use numbers, and then hold on I should be writing this down”
[first time interrogating a suspect by myself]
Me: we know you did it
Suspect: did what?
Me [long pause while looking over notes]: crimes
“Quick kid I don’t have much time. In 2020 they will release a super virus in a strategic attempt to wipe ou-“
Should I fix the hail damage on my car? I mean, not everyone can say their car resembles a golf ball.
Call me old fashioned, but I’m dying of smallpox.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
[Bank]
ROBBER: Look, as long as everyone is cool, no-one will die*I walk in*
ROBBER [picks up gun] well, guess what, everyone
Apparently I need to go on a diet if I want to have room in my pockets for snacks. Why is life so hard?
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
I wish I had the same ideas and motivation during the day as I do when I’m trying to sleep