ME: Very funny.
GENIE: It’s what you asked for.
ME: You’re such an asshole.
GENIE: You said you wanted a-
ME: 27 foot yacht. Yeah, I get it.
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2020 caught us wishing we could cancel our plans so it made us smoke an entire carton of canceling our plans
Him: idk, i just.. i feel like you’re trying to boil me into soup
me, throwing carrots and potatoes into a giant cauldron: babe, you sound crazy right now
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
ex: do you still have feelings for me?
me: yes.
disgust.
Exercise gives you energy but you need energy to exercise. Sounds like a pyramid scheme to me
When I go to type “Lmaooooooooo” and accidentally forget the A
If elves make shoes, cookies and toys, why don’t we put them in charge of more stuff
Standing in line at the grocery store. Lady behind me says “you can move up and stand on that X on the floor”
I politely said “No, I’ve seen far too many Road Runner cartoons to fall for that”
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
*Gets arrested for making prank phone calls
[At Police Station]
“You can make one phone call”
*Dials random #
“Is your fridge running?”
If someone says “With all due respect,” what follows is the verbal equivalent of a captive chimp hurling feces at you.
Candy canes are the perfect treat. They are minty & put you into the holiday spirit & can easily be fashioned into a shank.
Million dollar idea: let’s start a Twitter swear jar
interviewer: why do you want to work here?
me: to be able to afford food
interviewer: we’re really looking for someone motivated by the job
me: …do you think your job is better motivation than not starving to death?
[alternate universe]
cows on a road-trip: look a car!
My daddy always said, life is like a tray of nachos, a big hot mess held together by cheese
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
[sexting]
Her: Are you naked?
Me (taking a shit): Yes
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Me *at my office*: “Do you need someplace to put that out?”
Client: “I’m not smoking.”
Me: “No, I meant your kid.”
Can’t believe my ‘Eat everything you want and hope for a miracle” diet is not working!
When someone asks me for directions, I always use the metric system just to mess with them.
“Drive 4 liters that way…”
FYI: hey my wife came home in a terrible mood and I figured I’d read her one of my tweets to cheer her up, turns out that’s a bad idea guys
Wife: The soap recipe calls for essential oils
Me: *pours*
Wife: And now lye
Me: I’m *not* attracted to several of the Muppets
Wife: What
Me: What
For the first time in forever, I used the term “oopsie-daisy”. Couldnt be avoided. I mean what else do you say when you drop someone’s baby?
OCCAM’S RAZOR: Simpler solutions are more likely to be correct than complex ones.
OCCAM’S LAZER: pew pew
Hi I’m an evil ghost with the ability to defy time & space, but I think the best example of my powers will be to slightly close this door.
drinking a crystal pepsi! finally found something i have absolutely zero feelings about, positive or negative. at least with drywall or the milwaukee brewers there’s negligible level of residual opinion. this one is just a total flatline. it’s kind of nice. ah shit i messed it up