(First date with a Chinese girl)
Her: So, are you a dog or a cat person?
Me: I’m just gonna have a tandoori chicken…
You Might Also Like
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
dude at the dispensary is shooting his shot w a girl by explaining the entirety of Naruto. Everybody pray for him rn
So I was all like Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was all —
And I was Gal-lee-lay-oh
And he was —And that’s when I knew it wasn’t gonna work out
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Them: How long can you hold your breath?
Me: 20 years, apparently.
If I ever win the lottery & someone asks me for money I’m going to give them a dollar & say “Here. Go play the Lottery. That’s what I did.”
TRAIN’S HERE
Mom: Did we pack everything? The stupid baby monitor?
Dad: Ugh I hate that annoying dumb thing!
Tiny Monitor Lizard: Ok wow I’m right here
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
her: i only eat like once a day it’s called intermittent fasting
me: oh what do you do the rest of the day?
her: adderall
Wish we had the power of at least one ‘do over’ in our lives. I used mine up in the 1st grade and winning at hopscotch wasn’t worth it.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
“One of you will betray me” is such a dramatic thing to say at dinner????
Nice tan. I’m guessing your mother is white & your father’s a sweet potato?
wife: [walks in door] so whats the big news?
-the baby walked!
wife: OMG where is he?
-i sent him to the store for an ice cream cake
Bout to have a wild Saturday night playing Diablo III with children til the wee hours (probably around 8pm)
The only way I would find gender reveal parties even remotely okay is if the guests had the option to boo when the gender is revealed
It’s hard to tweet and change the baby’s diaper at the same time.
I probably should have waited until I got to a red light.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
Not really sure why I have a Google Home, it’s only inadvertently used by people on my TV.
We have a winner.
Is it just me or does this cat look like someone’s grandpa
whoa.. whoa… whoa… we ain’t flying anywhere until you get some damn pants on
just got an 8 min standing ovation for not asking any questions during a movie.
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
When a kidnapper gives you* back because you’re too annoying to be around anymore, that’s called getting ridnapped
*me
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
Sometimes I’m just so exhausted I have to go to bed and scroll my phone for the next 2-3 hours