Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
[googling recipes for success and checking the cupboard]
well I hope it calls for a 3 yr old bag of marshmallows
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
Took an exam on ancient Persian culture.
I passed with flying carpets.
When my therapist asks how my anxiety level has been
DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
Me: there’s just no way you ONLY have air conditioners
Lowes employee: *visibly uncomfortable*
Me: here’s the thing Curp
Lowes employee: it’s Curt
Me: here’s the thing Curd. I’m gonna need you to show me where the air shampoos are
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Ex-Wife: hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream sundae?
Me: [trying to one-up her] hey kids who wants to go for an ice cream RIGHT NOW!
[first day working as a librarian]
ME: shhhhhhhhhhhhhh
HR MANAGER [annoyed]: as I was saying
I basically have 3 hairstyles…
Straight.
Wavy.
Homeless.
[job interview]
“any questions?”
yeah is it Pets Mart or Pet Smart?
“ma’am this is a bank”
I know but you seem like a man with some answers
Probably the best way to keep a lion from attacking is to talk trash about hyenas.
Me: Shout out to all my homies!
Homies: Stop shouting at us.
Beards are a privilege, not a right
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
I’ll defend my wife in any situation, and if we ever see a killer clown I hope she can run as fast as me.
“Everybody loves us weird girls, right up until we start doing weird girl shit,” I say to my cat, as we watch a documentary about serial killers in our matching onesies.
I’m in line behind a lady with 100 coupons so come visit me in jail, OK?
How people watch movies when they’re:
DATING *hold hands*
ENGAGED *cuddle*
MARRIED *one person turns the volume up when I’m choking on a piece of popcorn*
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
One time in jail and I asked someone what her favorite cheese was and she said shredded.
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I’ve just had to reset my password to Delicate Luggage Handler as I was told it had to be case sensitive.
My dog has been sleeping on the floor right below me so if I get off the couch he knows that I’ve moved. He’s been lying there for 5 hours. We’re both dedicated to our lifestyles
My gym shut down but a pizza place opened in its spot so my visits have remained pretty consistent
Kittens in my mind: *sweet, adorable, soft, snuggly kitty-witties*
Kittens in rl: I WILL MURDER YOU SLOWLY WITH MY TINY RAZOR NEEDLE CLAWS, STARTING WITH YOUR LEGS
If a shark attacks you, punch him in the nose. And if that doesn’t work, use your severed arm to tickle his belly.
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
How do I feel about your goatee? I shave every part of my legs except the knees, how do you feel about that?