It’s a beautiful sunny Friday and the only way I could be less productive is if I deleted my work from yesterday
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I will walk by you fifty times to make sure you know I’m ignoring you.
I’d make an excellent cavewoman because I can finger paint and light fires.
Dad: Nobody thinks you’re funny.
Me: People on Twitter think I’m funny.
Dad: What kind of drug is Twitter?
The two wolves inside me just ordered pizza
My kids made a toy phone for the baby so he can call his baby friends, and I’m like, come on, be real. He’s a baby. He doesn’t have friends.
*rubs lamp*
*genie comes out*
You get 3 wishes. Just no wishing for more wishes.
“I wish for more genies.”
I SAID NO WI- oooh, you’re good.
Spider bucket list:
1. Eat flies
2. Don’t get squashed by a crazy screaming lady when all I’m doing is eating flies
3. Meet Peter Parker
Happy Birthday Abraham Lincoln.
If he were alive today, Abraham would be 210 years old and 77 feet tall.
I forgot that I ate that chocolate. So can I have another one?
~ kid logic
I’m convinced that my wife took 9 years of education at 3 different colleges just to win all the arguments for the rest of my life.
No, I’m not dressing up as something sexy. I’m sexy 364 days of the year. I’m dressing up as the Predator.
Someone thanked me yesterday & I tried to say “You’re welcome” & “No problem” at the same time. It came out as “Your problem.”
😅😅😅
Until I open the wrapper & look inside it’s Schrödinger’s Kit Kat.
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
[family WhatsApp group]
me: I’ll visit this weekend
dad: OK
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…
mom is typing…mom: bring a sweater, it’s cold
*Follows dreams
*Ends up at refrigerator.
“Let there be one more blade!”-Gillette marketing concepts.
“How about I throw in some IKEA furniture?” I say, to Sweden the deal.
dunno what the best part of this is? being called ‘jack sexty’ or getting an award for shitting on exercise equipment
ever get so drunk you discover the next day you’ve legally changed your name to celine dion?
unrelated—anyone know how to legally unchange your name?
dm celine dion, please.
One time I hooked up with this guy and we were laying there and it was raining and I knew he wanted me to leave because he said “I got something for you” and proceeded to pull out a disposable rain poncho
Could sum up all Indiana Jones movies with ‘finding old stuff violently.’
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
*After roommate performs a summoning spell*
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me:
Roommate:
Me: So does he just live here now?
Satan: *wearing my bathrobe* You’re out of bagel bites
Nephew: Do you like Minecraft?
Me: [trying to seem cool] I am interested in how mines are built, yes.
How funny!
Okay this futility isn’t going to exercise itself
*narrows eyes* that sounds like something a crocodile would say
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.