Wife: How was work?
Me: Funny story. I emerged from a different cubicle in the men’s room to the one I thought I’d gone into
W: I despise you
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I have no words
~me when I have lots of words, none of which you probably want to hear
*6yo sneezes*
Me: God bless you. Would you like a kleenex?
6yo: Thank you. *gently lays kleenex over her lap and puts candy on it*
Real friends send everyone different addresses for your intervention.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times: “I can’t keep track of how often I say things.”
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
A man is not really successful until he has a beer fridge in the garage. Sorry, I don’t make the rules.
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Your metabolism after age 40 is like, “Nah, I like you fat.”
nothing is certain but death, taxes, and that if anyone criticizes a billionaire online, a bunch of weird little freaks will emerge from the sewer and jump to his defense for some reason
crazy how 2000 years ago you could just stab your friend to death if his vibes were bad. Can’t do that today. There’d be a whole dateline about it
I’m gonna tell the kids my diet dessert bars are full of broccoli so they won’t eat them
It’s like ten thousand followers when all you need is an emergency contact.
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Nothing says you’re a parent like being jealous of a tree because it’s all alone.
Where’s the Google setting that says “I’m researching this for my job. I don’t actually want a roll of a thousand coffee mug stickers”?
A Roman walks into a bar and raises 2 fingers and says to the bartender…
“Five beers, please.”
Is your ice cube tray listening to your family’s conversations? Find out next week on No! It’s! Not!
if u disregard the teeth, shark attacks are actually kinda cute
[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
Someone told me carrots with dry ranch seasoning tastes like Doritos, do not tell me this pandemic didn’t mess with people’s minds. You know what tastes like Doritos? Doritos.
Me: I like the cuddles more than the rough hugs.
Coach: Again, they’re called “huddles” and “tackles.”
There’s nothing church people love more than getting teenagers and young adults to move all the chairs
Me on my way to find a boyfriend before Valentine’s Day…
’50 shades of gray’ -worst set of crayola colored pencils.
She said “you look like trouble”…so I nudged her down the stairs, because I don’t like people falling short of their expectations.
“Are you insane? Did you escape from a mental institution?” he flirted.