Her: I dreamt I was being murdered.
Me: Was I the one who was murdering you?
Her: No.
Me: (Sigh) Well, was I helping in any way at all?
You Might Also Like
Young Cat: so the trick is to meow loudly whenever I want something
Older Cat: (smoking cigarette and gazing off into the sunrise) kid, the trick is to meow loudly for no reason at all
Met someone who was born in 2001 and they had the nerve to lie and say that they’re not 2 years old.
Me: Look, I love you, But I made exactly the amount of cheese & crackers I want to eat right now.
Wife: But I only…
Me: EXACTLY the amount
Wife: Will you please move your stupid truck?
Me: I’m sorry, move what?
Wife: Ugh. Will you please move the Colossus of Roads?
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
It’s Cyber Monday, sooo…. what are you wearing?
Any yard can be a graveyard if you put a body in it
I hate long distance relationships so I’m moving the fridge to my bedroom.
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Her: “Add insult to injury why don’t you”
Me: “Your broken leg looks fat in that cast”
Well that was fun with a capital no it wasn’t
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
The room quiets as you pick up a pen. You are left-handed and perhaps the first one they’ve ever seen in the wild.
Me: I’m in tears
Bored people on the internet: DO YOU KNOW HOW OFFENSIVE THAT IS TO PEOPLE WITH DRY EYE??
Just a reminder that when Shakespeare was quarantined because of the plague, he wrote King Lear.
still thinking about the time my bf told me I was “boring and unoriginal,” and the only thing I could respond with was “no, YOU’RE boring and unoriginal”
I hold my phone up to the sunset. So pretty. I’m going to share this with everyone, I say. The year is 1964. I’m completely insane
Imagining if Mario was actually your plumber. Jumping all over the place. Throwing fireballs at your cabinets and shit. Becoming briefly invincible. Just a really negative home visit
me: so how do i look
eye doc: terrible
me: think glasses would help
eye doc: no i can see you fine
[Corporate Olive Garden meeting, 1985]
Jesus: Let’s do unlimited breadsticks.
CEO: How can we supply that many?
Jesus: *winks at camera*
I went for a walk with the baby and she wanted me to sing some of her songs with her as we walked. After 2 renditions of “Wheels on the Bus” I couldn’t breathe. Beyonce is the greatest athlete alive
Quick, while the British people are sleeping:
Raise your hand if you make tea by microwaving hot water
If you work in an office trust that you have a nickname.
Everyone has a nickname.
If you don’t know yours, rest assured that it’s not very flattering.
Just ask Midlife crisis Matt over there.
[first date]
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a veterinarian
Me: thank you for your service
Date: veterinarian not veteran
Me: ok but still
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
After twenty years, I finally paid off my loan. Please be happy for me.
Friend angrily rolling eyes: I only lent you twenty dollars
Witness protection program or abducted by aliens? I wanna get this breakup text just right
Wife: Why can’t you just say phrases correctly?!
Me: Well aren’t you a ray of sunscreen.
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more