If you haven’t left a store carrying your screaming kid surfboard style you’re not really parenting.
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Golf Tip: Be sure and yell “FORE” before throwing your golf club at a jogger.
“So tell me more about yourse-PUT DOWN MY FRIES IF YOU WANT TO WALK OUT OF HERE WITH ALL 4 LIMBS INTACT.” – What not to say on a first date.
No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
Zipping up jacket on myself: easy, tabs fit together perfectly, zipper glides up nicely
Zipping up jacket NOT on me: nothing works, these pieces don’t even fit, how did I break it?
how do people have 15 minute naps?? if i’m napping, i’ll sleep through an earthquake and the entire lord of the rings trilogy
If you’re a tire company you shouldn’t say you work tirelessly
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
Whoa… oh I see lol
They say money talks, but mine barely gets a chance to introduce itself before it’s gone.
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
all I wanna do is
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
[gunshot noise]
move to a safer neighborhood
her: can you pick up the house
me: *putting on back brace* I can try
When I die, I hope I have enough time to point at a complete stranger and whisper “you did this.”
Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
Have you been working out? You look amazing! You should be a supermodel. I ran over your dog.
A gender-neutral equivalent of ‘sugar daddy’ is GLUCOSE GUARDIAN.
getting really tired of taking a girl out for drinks, then dropping by her house on the following day and being told by her mum “you must have the wrong house” [motioning to a black-and-white photograph of my date from the night before] “Sarah died thirteen years ago last night.”
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
If you drop your pants for a “surprise checkup” and hear your doctor’s belt buckle hit the floor, you should probably head for the hills
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
Who called it a psychic reading instead of prophet sharing?
I went to a birthday party and overheard a couple apologizing for leaving early because their infant could only handle people and noise for a limited amount of time and honestly I’ve never related to anyone more than that baby
It’s so rude how many of you have the audacity to be out peopling around whenever I go somewhere
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
You don’t know what real fear is, until you’ve been cornered by a Mariachi band playing a rendition of Hotel California.
[eating an entire extra large pizza to myself]
ME: *hears a knock on the door* THIS STALL IS TAKEN.
Me: just cuz my resume is on a napkin doesn’t mean it’s not good
Employer: there’s a chicken nugget stuck to it
Me: oh is there? *winks*